Ah, motherhood. It can be the most fun, joy-filled love fest ever created. It can also be the most depleting and chaotic job in the world. Especially if you are a mom with ADHD.
Having ADHD means that your brain is already on overload all the time, and being a mom is the most overwhelming job there is. Combining them? My brain runneth over. And then it ran away to hide in some bushes and maybe take a nap.
Being a mom with ADHD is a special brand of difficulty because people with ADHD often have brains that never stop. Never. They are constantly thinking, dreaming, idea-ing, wandering, and deleting important information in order to save obscure facts no one actually needs to retain. We ADHD folk can be impulsive, spontaneous, and loud. These are the exact qualities babies on nap schedules don’t always love.
Moms with ADHD can be the most fun person in the room, or we can be so hyper-focused on a task or idea that we don’t know what is going on around us. Which isn’t super when you have a toddler that just found a Sharpie. Being a Mom with ADHD isn’t for the faint of heart, or anyone who cares about their walls being drawn on.
But being a mom with ADHD can be amazingly fun, if you know how to wield the unwieldy.
So here are 8 tips for being a mom with ADHD that I wish I had before I became a mom. I’m putting them in this format because if you are like me, lists are easier to scan before your attention is on to something else.
- I Love My Calendar, Girl!
Figure out how you calendar ASAP because parenthood is 80% scheduling as they get older. Especially if they play sports. Or participate in clubs. Or have friends. OMG why is there so much scheduling?!
In my house, we have a paper family calendar that we all check daily for all the things that require transportation in the form of a parent taxi.
I use a digital calendar so that it can send me hundreds of reminders because I love having my phone beep at me constantly.
If you have a partner or co-parent, a shared digital calendar or an app like Cozi can be a lifesaver, especially when you need to know who to blame for missing that important thing or overbooking everyone yet again.
- Take A (Planned) Time-Out
As a mom with ADHD, I make sure to have at least two small chunks of the day scheduled as Me Time so I can blow off some steam.
I might spend my time reading or drawing or writing or staring out the window in silence (aka daydreaming). Just something I can do alone without interruption that feeds my soul, as lame as that sounds. I tell my kids I am “closed” for ten minutes and disappear. Poof!
I wish I did this more when they were younger. I used to fool myself that I would get my alone time at night, but guess what? That’s a lie. I often found myself falling asleep during the never-ending bedtime routine, zoning out in front of bad TV like a Mombie (mom zombie), or just folding laundry until my hands cramped. Probably snacking, but not feeding my creative needs.
That nighttime alone time is often not quality time, especially for moms with ADHD. We need something to recharge our creative batteries, or our brains get hairy and scary. Yes, I know ten or twenty minutes isn’t really enough alone time, but it’s better than none on days when things are full-on from the jump. Having it scheduled makes it so that I won’t forget it or find myself at the end of the day completely overwhelmed or missing hang time with good old me. Emphasis on old.
Planning time-outs can be helpful for your kids too. Put some “chill time” on your calendar after big play dates, birthday parties, school events, soccer tournaments, or any of the other million overwhelming things that are basically required every weekend. Too much socializing or excitement in a day is usually a recipe for an overstimulated ADHD meltdown, but a small dose of doing nothing can be the antidote. For all of us.
Also, let’s practice saying no thanks to every event or invitation that finds its way into our inbox. How many (not) “fun runs” or school-wide fundraising festivals do we have to attend? Just give everyone a small break. You and your kids will thank the calendar for it.
- Don’t Bring The Noise
Who says fidgets or noise-canceling headphones are just for kids? I use mine all the time and they help keep me focused and more relaxed during high-stress times, like during our witching hour: when I am making dinner and everyone is getting hangry and begging for snacks. Me included. I can still hear my kids whining, just not at a deafening decibel.
I like headphones that are visible rather than earbuds because it helps to cue in my kids that Mom might need them to tap me on the shoulder, which beats them screaming “Mom mom mom mom mom!” fifty times from another room.
The quieter environment also helps me to focus when there are a lot of noises happening all around me at once, which is all the time when you live with children and dogs and a partner. Calgon, take me away. (If you are old enough to remember Calgon, better put on your eye cream now, bestie. You know I forget mine most nights!)
- Goodbye Meal Planning
Hi, I’m Meredith and I’m a meal-planning failure.
I’ve tried so many times, in so many ways, but none have worked. I’m a mom with ADHD, and it’s just not in my genetic code.
The closest I’ve come is to have tacos on, you guessed it, Tuesdays. So that’s how I menu plan now. Mondays are always chicken for the kids, tofu for me. Tuesdays are tacos. Wednesdays are my husband’s problem. Thursdays are something in the instant pot. Fridays are pizza. Sure I deviate but for the most part I don’t have to think about it ever and that’s just how I like it.
Don’t forget, people with ADHD might have sensory or texture issues when it comes to certain foods. They might also want the same exact meal for two months until they absolutely hate it and pick a new meal. (This is me.) I am writing you a giant permission slip to go with these things and not fight them. We have so much to deal with as it is, and creating James Beard-level palates in myself or my kids is not making it on my Life Goals Bingo Card.
I also keep a running list in the Cozi app so I don’t forget what I need when I’m shopping.
If you are a huge impulse food buyer like I am, with kids that never like my food impulses, just Instacart everything and save yourself the time, money, and “What am I doing to do with this stupid snack no one likes?” meltdown.
- The Years Feel Short, Especially When You Have To Register For Summer Camp In The Winter
Using a spreadsheet, journal, or your notes app, write a heading for each month where you can enter seasonal to-dos. It can be anything from reminding you that you should start planning that stupid school Harvest event in September, or enrolling for the snowboarding club in November, or calling the chimney sweep every August. Then on the first day of every month, scroll through your notes for that month. If it’s something you need to schedule, immediately add it to your calendar. Want to skip the spreadsheet altogether? Add all these notes directly to your calendar. If you use a digital calendar, set the event to reoccur every year and add a reminder alarm. Now Google Calendar reminds me on the first of February that I need to enroll for that camp my kids love but that fills up in 20 minutes.
So simple, yet so effective. Now to just remember to fill it out and get all the dates right.
- Know Yourself
I once read somewhere that people with ADHD, especially mothers, don’t always know when their battery is running out of power or when they are about to blow their tops. I know this is true for me, especially since I’ve become a mom. One second I don’t even notice how loud and chaotic the day is, and the next I want to flee the scene like Thelma and Louise. Without the cliff part. Probably.
Since a mom with ADHD can often go from 0 to 60 pretty quickly, it stands to reason that we can go from 60 to zero just as fast. Without a warning.
So, if you don’t know or recognize your triggers, make sure you have some easy ways to help yourself chill out when your lava starts to boil. Deep breathing is fantastic, and so is square breathing. Square breathing is when you breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, and hold for four, etc. You get the idea.
Or maybe use some music to soothe that savage mom beast. Whatever you can do the instant you realize you are becoming the proverbial wolf that will blow the house down.
Did you know many ADHD-ers are excellent at finding patterns? It makes us seem a little bit psychic. Because of this, you probably already know when you are going to explode every day before it even happens.
Do I usually lose my (expletive redacted) while making dinner? During the chaos of bedtime? Right when I get home from work? Then those are times I’m going to set myself and my family up for success. I’ll have my aromatherapy diffuser going while playing some super mellow spa music as I help find the exact right pajamas for my daughter or that very important LEGO my son lost five hundred years ago and needs immediately even though we are getting ready for bed.
Or I’ll start my deep breathing before I start cooking dinner because I know it’s going to be wild in here momentarily. Does it always work? No, of course not. Because I sometimes forget how to take care of myself, especially at the end of the day when I am tired. But the times it does work I feel like a real bona fide ADHD Zen master.
- Don’t Leave Home Without It (it being your Post-It Notes)
I live and die by the Post-It note. They are my everything. I don’t care that my life looks like a still from the movie Momento. I need these amazing little miracles reminding me of all the things. Get that birthday present for that kid. Make that appointment. Get an oil change.
I put digital reminders on my phone too because let’s face it, I need multiple things telling me what to do. But visual cues just give my brain the jolt it needs when it comes to physical tasks.
I also tend to pile important things that I need to bring with me in front of the door. So I can’t escape without my work bag, or that package I need to mail, or my overdue library book. Or my kids, who love to stand in front of any door I am trying to open.
- The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree
ADHD is often hereditary. So if you need some support around emotional regulation, executive function, or the myriad of other ADHD traits, check on your kids as they grow. Do they need some extra support too?
There are different kinds of ADHD- inattentive, hyperactive, or combined.
Your child might be a darling daydreamer who forgets their backpack every day or an impulsive little imp that runs into traffic at a moment’s notice. Or they might be both of those things for extra fun. Really, it’s most important to look at their executive functioning skills and their emotional regulation to see if they need more support and growth in those areas. They don’t need to change, they just might use some visual cues, visual timers, or some extra reminders. Just like you.
As a teacher and a mom with ADHD, I say give them all the physical and emotional supports they need to thrive. Why not?
Some people might look aghast if you have visual cues or schedules around your house, or if you help your children pack their backpacks. They might clutch their pearls and shriek “But how will they remember when they go to college or how will they grow up to be proper adults?” I’ve got to reassure you. I mean, look at me. I’m their mother. The woman with three Post-It notes on the front door, is daydreaming about multiple things at once while burning dinner, and preparing to start her fifth new hobby in a month. They will be just fine, mostly functional, incredibly powerful, creative, amazing, raving lunatics, exactly like me. And I couldn’t be prouder.
These 8 small tips for being a mom with ADHD won’t solve the world’s problems, but they might make your day a little easier. Which is what we need in a world that is not designed for us. Society doesn’t always embrace neurodivergence, and it definitely isn’t nice to moms at all.
If you forget everything on this list, just remember this one: you are not a hot mess, you are a hot, amazing mom with ADHD. Grab your Post-It’s and join us at the funniest, weirdest, most random mom playdate that we had to reschedule six times. We have a pair of noise-canceling headphones just for you.
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