“The BVTMB is getting real this week about a sometimes taboo, but important topic…S-E-X! Our team is sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly…and maybe the humorous and kinky too… about sex after kids in hopes that some of you can relate.”
Sex After Baby: First Step, Cry It Out
Okay, mamas. I’m not going to sugar-coat it for you. Sex after baby is weird. Like, in every possible way — weird.
Emotionally, it’s taxing — at best. Your hormones are all over the place. You’re dealing with all the new-mom anxieties, possibly post-partum depression. You were given the “one-month of no-sex” talk from the doctor, but now that the month is up, you’re asking yourself, “Do I feel up to this?” “Is it really time?” “When did I shower last?” and “Will the baby wake up?” Physically, your body is still healing, changing. You’re exhausted, lactating, and your body doesn’t look like it did before your pregnancy.
Meanwhile, your husband is sitting at the end of the bed like an eager rottweiler that’s waiting for you to drop a piece of steak.
I know. It sucks, and I’m sorry. It took me and my husband months to get back to having a healthy and fun sex life. This is how we got there:
- I cried. A lot. I can’t leave out the crying phase, but I hope to save you from it! We kept trying to have sex the way we always had — the way that always worked. He knew what to do. I knew what to do, but we weren’t getting the same results. I wasn’t enjoying the experience, so he wasn’t either. I blamed myself, my body, my lack of interest. The night usually ended in him holding me, telling me not to worry, that we’d figure it out.
- After a few weeks of this, my husband was the one who started to change the rules a little bit. He made it not about sex at first. He offered me back-rubs, foot massages, and started introducing a lot more foreplay than I ever used to need. Suddenly, I was that cliche woman who needed a lot of attention to get in the mood. Though it was frustrating for me, he joked about being a masseuse, even used silly accents. It was goofy, funny, and I started to relax. We weren’t getting to spend any time connecting emotionally during the day, so combining some chit-chat and make-out time became fun.
- I had to make myself feel sexy. The lactating mama-boobs were getting me down, so I put on a push-up bra. I was feeling insecure about certain parts of my body, so I wore lingerie or just a sexy tank-top. Though my husband was more focused on “getting lucky,” it made me feel more secure and beautiful.
- I know it’s difficult sometimes, but it really helps to talk about sex. If you’re worried about hurting your partner’s feelings or crushing their confidence by expressing your feelings about what’s not working in the bedroom, start by telling them all the things that they’re doing right and insist that “more of that” is in order. Tell your partner about your fantasies or physical things about their body that you find exciting.
- I had to lower my expectations. Just a tad. If you’re expecting movie romance, candles, fireworks, and simultaneous orgasms, you may be disappointed. Don’t be afraid to mix things up a bit now, change your routine, try different positions. Explore and experiment!
- Enjoy each other. Sex before baby for us was just a physical meet-up before bed. We had spent so much time together during the day, knew what worked for us in the bedroom, and we made it happen. Now, sex is our time to reconnect. We hold each other more, laugh a lot, and the emotional connection, that we don’t have as often during the day, has brought more passion to our sex life.
[…] me, it’s always been such a four letter word. Sex is seemingly simple, but it can bring up VASTLY complicated issues. It’s always been slightly more complicated for me since I have […]
Hahaha!! Shari, will add these to the list!
Don’t forget a glass of wine and some lube 😉