Inventions I Plan To Create When I Become A Parenting Super Genius



If necessity is the mother of invention, then inventions are necessary to survive modern momhood.

The consumer parenting world is made of marvelous toys. We all turn to gadgets and doohickeys designed to give us parents a boost. This is not a new phenomenon, either. I remember my own mother having various weird objects to help her keep my younger siblings alive. We all love the little inventions that make our lives easier. We hope the next big thing we see touted in a blog post will finally cure what ails us. This makes perfect sense! I certainly have benefited from the perfect breastfeeding pillow and the ideal reusable snack pouch. Inventions are exciting and make us feel we are on top of the latest parenting trends. 

So why not contribute a few inventions of my own?

The stumbling block to this plan is that I am not an inventor by trade or temperament. So, I have to imagine a future where I have done all the necessary training and preparation to make my wildest parenting inventions come true. I also envision this as a sort of 80’s movie training montage underscored by a driving pop-rock classic. I fall asleep on a stack of engineering books, cut my thumb learning to sew, and burn my eyebrows off in a middle school chemistry lab. At the end of the montage, I have the skills and know-how to save the parenting world as a Parenting Super Genius!  

Now, I turn my newfound superpowers to the good of all momkind! Behold the inventions that will change motherhood forever!

Invention 1: Guilt Botox

I don’t like needles. I also am not crazy about injecting myself with toxins to freeze my face. Wrinkles happen. But what if those little injections could also take away the random pointless guilt that attacks you at night because you didn’t buy the organic fruit roll-ups? Sign me up! We could also offer the treatment without the forehead freeze, for those parents who aren’t down with clinical cosmetic enhancements. This mild guilt inhibitor won’t shield you from the big bad stuff – you still need to be a good human. But it will ease the stupid anxiety jolts from harmless parenting foibles, like deciding to look at your phone when your kids demand you watch them ride their bikes around in a circle for the millionth time. 

Invention 2: Mom Wars Blocker App

On April Fool’s a few years ago, an ad-blocking software program replaced all the ads on my browser with pictures of kittens.  That was cool. The Mom Wars Blocker App provides a similar service, but shields you from all super judgmental parenting content. I checked out of the Mom Wars ages ago, because I really do not care to waste time arguing my life choices. But occasionally, a friend will post a link to an article that trolls people who don’t use cloth diapers. Ugh. The Mom Wars Blocker automatically replaces it with a picture of Alexander Skarsgård wearing a Christmas sweater and holding a cat

It offers full customization to create your very own internet parenting bubble. Imagine your peace of mind knowing you can post that cute picture of your kid doing cartwheels without some random friend from elementary school wondering if she should have a helmet. The Mom Wars Blocker also offers a feature that reduces Pinterest to a text-only recipe and Garfield comic site.  

Invention 3: Child Cancelling Headphones

Good news! That long-held dream of not hearing your children screaming can finally come true! Science has long grappled with the very real problem that some noises children make are important, while others are most definitely not. How can we tell the difference? We rely on a weirdly uncanny internal intuition system that tells us when that blood-curdling scream is performative or a prelude to an ambulance ride. Artificial intelligence has not cracked the parent sensory code – until now.  Using my Parenting Super Genius, I have developed a foolproof algorithm to determine if the whining is urgent and necessary or basic household background noise. Adjusted to your own children’s particular nagging style, you can mute questions you have already answered. Sibling fights they need to sort out for themselves are forever blocked. Say goodbye to repetitive homemade karaoke of terrible pop music.

Now I have acquired these Parenting Super Genius skills, what inventions would you like to see? 

Self-sorting Lego? Retina-scan protected cookie jars? Solar-powered android babysitters?  Let me know your dream parenting gadgets, and I will hit the lab running!


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