It’s been a while, hasn’t it? And, I miss the fun adult time that landed me in this sexless desert. Amirite, fellow moms? Do me a favor please: share this post with every partnered person you know, please. This has got to get back to my husband, somehow or other.
Without further ado, here are five easy steps to seduce me. These steps are surprisingly universal, and shockingly effective. Give it a try, won’t you?
Step One: Laundry
On your own initiative, without being asked, begged, threatened, or cajoled, remove the dusty, drooly sheets from our bed and place them in the washing machine. Throw the pillow cases in there too, just for kicks. For even bigger thrills, pick up my favorite pyjamas off the floor and give them a whirl as well. Add detergent and press the big button. When the loud buzzer rings, put the whole big pile into the dryer. If you want to get kinky, a dryer sheet can really spice up a boudoir. When the second buzzer sounds, grab the tangled mess of sheets and put them back on the mattress. This slick move is guaranteed to raise the bedroom temperature several sizzling degrees.
Step Two: Evacuate the House
Take those darling children of yours far away from me. Leave me at home, under strict orders to drink mimosas and read smutty books on my e-reader (that’s what e-readers are for, after all). What will you do with the children? Exhaust them. Find an activity that’s ridiculously active and run them so ragged that when you return four hours later, they will immediately crawl to their beds and fall into deep Sleeping Beauty power naps lasting a minimum of ten hours. Oh. You should feed them too. No harm in bringing me a snack too, while you’re at it. It would be hard to seduce me if I was hungry.
Take note: while this activity must leave the children comatose, you will still need to have a full tank left for, well, grown-up fun times. What is this legendary family activity? That’s the mystery. If I knew, don’t you think we would be doing it all day, every day?
Step Three: Talk with Me
I spend my days home with small children. Some days, the closest I get to adult interaction is texting snarky memes while the four year old pretends to brush her teeth. When I am not daydreaming of your ruggedly masculine charms, I long to have someone ask me how my day went. Ask about my projects. And here is the big one: genuinely compliment me on the stuff I do well. I have no co-workers or supervisor for feedback, and the children are developmentally incapable of actual gratitude. Notice me. Notice what I do. Let me know it matters.
Step Four: Shave
You’re a handsome fellow. It’d sure be nice to see your face. Besides, five minutes of personal grooming, just to impress me? No client conference, no town hall assembly, no preschool board meeting – you are going to get yourself correct for no one else but me? Swoooooon. This looks like someone who’s doing all the right things to seduce me.
Step Five: Play That Music
Dust off the CD player, throw together that playlist on Spotify, maybe light a candle or two, and press play. You know what music. And you know why.
And if you don’t know what music I am talking about, then these seduction steps are frankly not written for you.
These five easy steps to seduce me have many hidden benefits… like a clean house and a happy family. Happy Valentine’s Day, Folks!
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