“The BVTMB is getting real this week about a sometimes taboo, but important topic…S-E-X!  Our team is sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly…and maybe the humorous and kinky too… about sex after kids in hopes that some of you can relate.”

Coming Clean About My Affair With Excuses

My partner and I do not have a lot of sex.

Most couples with kids struggle to find the time, energy and drive to have healthy, regular sex. At least that is what I tell myself, rationalizing our sexual drought. Upon digging deeper into this rationalization, however, I discovered some truths, not only about sex and intimacy among the “married with children” demographic, but also about my own sexual pretexts. When I began to examine our sexual history and barriers to having a healthy sex life, I realized that the web of “barriers” that I had woven was practically impenetrable, not to mention laughable. I have no idea how my partner does not laugh in my face.

Consider the three year old who does not want to go to bed, they will use every excuse in book: I need a drink. I’m not tired. I need to brush my teeth. I can’t find my _____. I have an important question. There’s a monster under my bed.

I am that three year old.

I have unknowingly, expertly penned the book, “Excuses Why I Cannot Have Sex With You.”

Some of my excuses are legitimate. The kids are home/awake. I have an appointment. You have to go to work. It’s the middle of the night. There’s too much stuff on the kitchen table to have sex on it! We can’t just leave the kids and go to a hotel. Sorry, I am working on my blog. You get the picture. There are true physical and time related barriers to spontaneous sex, especially with kids.

There are also several common and justifiable somatic and emotional reasons to decline sexual advances. I’m tired. I’m sick. I have a headache. I’m itchy. I think I’m getting my period. I have my period. I just finished my period. I am not feeling connected to you. I need more emotional intimacy. Can’t we just talk? All of these excuses are reasonable, especially for women with children, though admittedly I have over-used and abused these as well. For example, it is a biological fact that I will always be in a state of going to get, having, or getting over having my period. In the same vain, with the number of times I have played the headache, itchy and tired cards, I definitely have some horrible malady and should seek immediate medical attention.

Alas, even with use and abuse of those excuses, my persistent partner keeps finding opportunity and I keep squashing it. At this point I seem to have ruled out all possible times of the 24-hour day. I am not a morning person. I need coffee first. The baby just went to sleep we might wake her. You come home from work and just expect me to drop everything and have sex with you? I’m too hungry; I need to have breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack first. I’m too full; I need to let my food digest. I’m tired and need to go to bed. The baby will be up soon. If you try to have sex with me again in the middle of the night, I swear I will END you.

All possible seasons, temperatures and sundried weather are also right out. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. I have sunburn. Better not, looks like frostbite. The lightening is freaking me out. I’m too worried about the snow. What about those poor people in the tsunami/earthquake/monsoon! I can’t tonight; I think it has something to do with global warming.

Though some of these may border on hyperbole, most are actual excuses that I have employed to avoid having sex with my partner.

This does not even take into account the slew of other bat s**t crazy excuses that I am neither brave nor stupid enough to admit to in a public forum. Let it be known, that I am head-over-heels in love with my partner and am solely and totally committed and attracted to him.

Why then am I so adamantly and creatively opposed to consummating and celebrating our love and connection?

Consider again the three year old from earlier. Perhaps when that three year old was two, she LOVED peanut butter and would eat it every day if able, but due to external circumstances she was unable to have it on a consistent, regular basis. Now, when given peanut butter, she may not look upon it in the same fashion. Where she once saw a delicious treat that she was passionate about, she may now see just a brown sticky mess and turn her nose up at it. If she just gives it a try, however, just a little bite, she may remember how much she loves that sticky brown mess and with continued exposure, come to love peanut butter once again.

I often complain that sex just seems like one more thing on my to-do list, but it has not always been this way. I look at my husband now and see “Daddy,” but I if I look a little longer and a little harder and can still see the man who gave me butterflies and who’s bones I wanted to jump. It’s true that sex with kids is more work, and it may even need to be planned or scheduled, but like most things that require work, the payoff is great. I need to stop making excuses and start saying yes to sex, to enjoying each other again, to rekindling and remembering the passion.

Maybe tonight I’ll take a little bite…