My Daughter Has a Cavity and I Feel Like a Failure

5

I first brought my daughter to the dentist when she was about ten months old, and had a sparse collection of razor-sharp baby teeth.

I had noticed a dark line on her incisors, and immediately assumed the worst: bottle rot.

I was terrified that my precious baby would need expensive dentures, or would be toothless until her middle school years, or whenever adult teeth are supposed to come in. I was self-flagellating, secure in my status as a horrible parent. Despite the fact that she never once used a bottle- although I tried every single plastic nipple/bottle combination in existence (my daughter treated bottles as though they were a medieval torture device) I was certain that her middle of the night nursing habit had finally culminated in the worst dental scenario imaginable. And of course, I jumped to the most dire conclusion. I think I do this because perhaps I have developed a sick appreciation for panic, or maybe because preparing for the worst outcome often leaves me in a good position to conquer more minor setbacks with unnecessary gusto. Needless to say, I was relieved when the dentist informed me that the dark line on my daughter’s teeth was nothing more than a dark line.

He wiped it off with a gauze pad, and my daughter and I went merrily on our way, scheduling the first of many biannual dental checkups.

American Dental Association. Found at Mouthhealthy.org
American Dental Association. Found at Mouthhealthy.org

My daughter is now five, and we have been to the dentist so many times that she has a small army of toys from the dentist’s prize drawer: squishy frogs, in all colors, and also two hard plastic lizards. Amphibians are my child’s prize of choice. Her lizards have been delightfully named “Beezus and Ramona,” which is probably not what Beverly Cleary had in mind when she wrote the books that have colored our past several months with their timeless stories. The Beezus and Ramona lizards are small and hard, and I feel like I exist in a parallel universe when my daughter acts out dramatic scenes in which the lizard sisters bicker in shrill voices over imaginary wrongs, and make up, just like the real, living siblings we know. No mythical figure, however, looms larger in my home than my daughter’s pediatric dentist, Dr. Gary Davis, otherwise known (only in my home) as “Dr. Gary Berry Cherry Pie,” with whom I have regular, one-sided, pretend phone calls regarding my child’s dental health and brushing habits. She doesn’t want to brush? Well, Mom is going to have to (pretend) call Dr. Gary. Doesn’t want to endure our less-frequent-than-recommended flossing sessions? (Made up) Dr. Gary Berry Cherry Pie is going to have something to say about that.

Generally speaking, I’ve been very consistent and extremely thorough about taking care of my daughter’s health, including her physical and emotional health.

Health, especially health education, is my passion. I’d rather explain where babies come from a million times than play with play dough for an hour. I diligently follow the recommended schedules and healthy teeth tips promoted by Dr. Gary and his colleagues. My daughter doesn’t sip on juice all day (which creates an environment that promotes poor dental health.) She doesn’t snack endlessly on crackers or other carbohydrates that chemically transform into bacteria-feeding sugars while they are chewed. She doesn’t eat candy or cookies frequently, and has never had soda or gum. She drinks water, brushes twice a day, with fluoridated toothpaste, and flosses… well, at least once a week. I could do better with flossing, for sure.

So, you can imagine my surprise and dismay when my daughter and I received the news at her last dental appointment that she has a cavity.

A cavity?!? WHAT!!!

I was shocked, and instantaneously mortified. I’ve had cavities, but I know my irregular flossing habits, and love of soda. I assumed that my diligence would continue to pay off where my daughter was concerned. I was not expecting my daughter to have a cavity, and I was really not anticipating the intense shame and sense of failure I felt after her diagnosis. When I see it in writing, I feel foolish. But the fact remains, that not only have I not told my friends about my daughter’s cavity, I’ve felt sick with embarrassment whenever she has gleefully announced her cavity to the world. I don’t embarrass easily. As I age, less and less unsettles me. I’m not ashamed about my body or my actions or my friends or whatever, and I rarely feel even the slightest twinge of discomfort about anything. I recently described myself as “shameless” for this reason.

And here I am, absolutely dying, mortified to the extreme, over a cavity on my five year old’s tooth.

This is ridiculous, isn’t it?

This is a good reminder to me that no matter how hard I try, I can’t achieve perfection. Like the rest of you, I want the absolute best for my daughter. I also have some single mom guilt, which makes me overcompensate for my daughter’s absent father. I put forth 150% effort towards my daughter and her endeavors. Everything that touches her life is the very best I can achieve. But I am not perfect, and it is not possible for me, or for anyone, to achieve perfection. A cavity in my five year old’s teeth is not my personal failure. It is a reminder to increase the frequency of flossing in my home.

It is not a sign of failure.

I would like to encourage everyone, myself included, to learn from my experience. I am foolish so you don’t have to be. This is a reminder from me to myself, and to you, to seek balance and happiness, and not focus on the either the reality or the metaphor that is my daughter’s cavity on the tooth of life. I’m doing my best, and that’s all I can do.

5 COMMENTS

  1. As a dentist I see a full range of dental IQs and I must say that the majority of parents I talk to do not care as much and are not as aware of proper oral hygiene practices for their little ones as you do/are. Keep up the good work, Mom!

    • Thank you, Amy! Or shall I give you a special dentist name ;)? I do listen carefully to our fabulous dentist, and try to implement everything he suggests, so I was really surprised when my daughter had her cavity. Fortunately, getting it filled went well, and we’re back into our good dental hygiene routine. Thanks so much for commenting.

  2. Not all cavities are caused by poor dental hygiene! Talk to your dentist about this, there are many bacteria in there and baby teeth are susceptible to cavities. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

    • Hi Meredith- thank you so much for writing. I really, really appreciate your knowledge and advice. It’s hard not to blame myself, but I do need to get off the mommy guilt train, and accept that I can’t control everything. Coming clean, and sharing my experience is a big step for me!

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here