This candid discussion about modern motherhood confronts the popular theme that motherhood is so terrible that moms need relief any way they can get it. Read on as moms dish about life, wine, and mommy culture.
I picked up a book recently: It’s Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture by Celeste Yvonne. The title hit something in me. I’d been feeling uneasy about my own habit: a glass or two of wine, almost every evening from 5 to 7 PM. As most of us moms know, 5- 7 PM is a chaotic window of time when we’re trying to make dinner, wrangle kids, and survive bedtime routines. Everyone is hungry, tired, and patience runs thin. You’ve been there, right?
Once I stopped breastfeeding, the nightly glass (or glasses) of wine became a ritual that settled in fast. A ritual that I rarely questioned.
This book woke me up a little.
Reading it, I started noticing how often my social media feeds have normalized the idea that motherhood is so hard, we need wine to make it through. The jokes, the memes, the reels – they are funny. They’re super relatable. But they’re also telling a story. And that story started to feel… off.
One of my biggest takeaways was that maybe I don’t need wine. I need more support. That hit me hard, especially because I’m someone who often defaults to “I’ve got this” mode. Superwoman syndrome, anyone?
And then, I saw that viral Chappell Roan clip where she casually said new parents look miserable, and honestly, my first reaction was not to disagree. It made me wonder: are we miserable or just maxed out, under-supported, and trying to cope the best we can? What is really happening in modern motherhood?
I reached out to some friends and fellow Vermont Moms contributors to dig into all of this: the burnout, the coping strategies, the honesty, and the hope.
What came back was raw, funny, thoughtful, frustrated, and incredibly real.
Whether you’re in the thick of early motherhood or reflecting back on it, I hope you see yourself somewhere in these words. And I hope you’re reminded that you’re not alone and that it’s more than okay to ask for help. In fact, asking for help might be the bravest, wisest thing we can do. I am so proud to be a mom in our modern motherhood community (even in today’s crazy world!) because guess what we can do that our mothers and grandmothers probably could not? Ask for help.
Here’s what other moms had to say…
Is it just me, or does it feel like moms are either “thriving” on Instagram or quietly spiraling while everyone assumes they’re fine? What gives?
Here’s the question that keeps me up at night (okay, that and two children with questionable sleep habits are really what’s keeping me up): Are we actually just miserable, or have we been trained to think this level of struggle is normal? Because somewhere along the line, modern motherhood stopped being sacred and started feeling like something we’re supposed to white-knuckle our way through.
What do moms really need? Not another tip, trick, or pastel-colored planner.
We need real support; the kind that looks like someone showing up, seeing your mess (literal and emotional), and staying anyway. The kind of support that doesn’t require us to smile and say “I’m fine” when we’re clearly not. Honestly, sometimes support means someone just doing the damn dishes so you can go cry in peace. That’s not weakness, that’s survival with a side of grace.
And even though I don’t drink (and can’t even have coffee without turning into a puking goblin), I still get the appeal of the “wine mom” culture. It’s shorthand for “this is hard and I’m not okay,” wrapped in a joke.
But what happens when the joke is the only way we’re allowed to say we’re drowning?
What I wish people really understood about motherhood is that it’s a full-body, full-heart transformation. It’s identity-shifting, soul-stretching, and deeply disorienting.
Maybe we’re not just miserable. Maybe we’re exhausted from pretending we’re not.
My daughter’s infancy coincided with one of the most miserable and traumatic experiences of my life- her father, my husband, abruptly leaving. I can’t reflect on what her infancy would have been like without the overwhelming dark cloud of grief, but I remember so many things that helped me survive that dark time.
- Having regular “play dates” with other moms. Our kids weren’t even engaging in parallel play when we started, but we’d park them on a blanket or in a swing or a stroller, and we would talk. Keep in mind, I moved back to Vermont when my daughter was 6 months old, and knew no one. I could not be more grateful for the moms who included me in their gatherings and helped me heal.
- Time to exercise. If you don’t already know this, parenting is a full-contact sport. Even if you’re not a solo parent, lugging every box of diapers, carrying every car seat, managing everything, you need all the strength you can muster. You’re going to be running after a toddler eventually, and it’s important to be prepared. Exercise I enjoy is critical for my survival.
- A trusted health care provider. Once you have a baby, there’s no more shame. Or privacy. I mean, an entire teaching hospital saw my undercarriage, so health topics that were once taboo became… not just ordinary, but so ordinary that any two moms, strangers, in line at the grocery store could easily discuss chapped nipples, urinary incontinence, or prolapse. Nothing- NOTHING- is sacred, not even time alone to poop. A good healthcare provider, for mental and physical health, is essential.
- Family and friends. When you are pouring all of yourself into taking care of a child, it’s really important to be around people who love you and who help fill your cup.
Wine culture is absurd. It offers a short-term fix for larger, societal problems.
Moms need child care, maternity leave, health care- not a glass of Pinot Grigio. It’s maddening. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it- all the merchandise and jokes about “mommy juice” and needing a drink to be able to tolerate being a parent. There is no time when wine makes parenting easier or better.
To this wonderful modern motherhood community, I ask, are we miserable, or are we overwhelmed?
Some days it may be hard to tell the difference. It seems like everyone has an opinion on everything these days that they are not afraid to share, and “how to be a great mother” tops the list. Breast milk versus formula, working mom or SAHM, preschool selection, parenting styles, food fads, play dates, extracurricular activities, the list goes on and on, and we are being crushed under the weight of managing all of these great expectations.
Somehow, we are supposed to intuitively know how to handle all of these decisions (and many more) once we become a mom. Given the propensity for Americans to move away from home, many of us no longer have access to a “village” of family members to help us out when times get tough. In addition, women are carrying a significant burden of the mental load and household chores, even when they are also doing paid work outside of the home (because motherhood is all kinds of unpaid work).
It takes other moms to understand the pressure we are all under to be patient all the time. To have our shit together. To go to all the places and do all the things. To constantly convey the glorious wonder of having children. To “enjoy it while you can.”
Frankly, modern motherhood is exhausting. And overwhelming. And we are so freaking tired. Motherhood is hard because doing a good job matters, and we are never not aware of that.
And yet, despite all of those reasons, I don’t believe we are miserable. Some days? Sure.
Overall? Nah. Most days, we love being mothers (that’s right, I said most, and you know what I mean). Shedding the weight of other people’s expectations of what being a “great mom” looks like may be easier said than done, but I think it truly is the key to not being miserable or so overwhelmed. Tell the bitchy voice in your head to shut it, give yourself some grace, and don’t say anything negative to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your best mom friend. You’re doing fantastic!
Jill S.
I am totally enamored with my daughter. She’s so smart, so funny, and so beautiful, I can’t believe how lucky I am to be her mom sometimes. There have been many life challenges since she was born, but there have been many incredible moments and just normal, good times as well.
Still, there is a disproportionate part of my brain that’s filled with to-do lists, intentions, worries, anxieties—sometimes I wish I could just get a break from all of the thoughts and get out of my own way and be present in the moment. Maybe this is why other moms turn to different substances?
Before being a mom, I never felt so mentally fatigued for such an extended period, but now I feel so responsible to be proactive, preemptive, and intentional, all the time, and getting a mental break can seem elusive.
For now, I’m focusing on self-care as best I can—for me, that means health care, career development, and finding my hobbies again. I want to feel centered and present for myself and so that I can be a better partner to my husband and a good role model for my daughter.
C.
As a mom of 3 kids aged 5 and under, I think what people don’t understand about early motherhood (or forget after they’ve moved onto another stage) is the non-stop-ness of it. The 24/7 pressure of being “on” even when everyone’s asleep – you’re always ready to take action, and your body (at least mine) doesn’t really “rest” like it used to.
Combined with the fact that I think we live in a world where moms are under more pressure to be perfect about EVERYTHING parenting and do “more”, often with less of a village than there used to be, it’s just – a lot! Even though you love modern motherhood and wouldn’t trade it for the world, it doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
And then we reach for a glass of wine at the end of the day and are supposed to feel bad about THAT too!
Slightly kidding, but I say for the love of God, let moms have a glass of wine. For me, it can give me a sense of having something for myself when I’m spending every other minute of the day serving others.
With a slight caveat. I know I myself have gone through times of having wine a bit TOO often. When I find myself using it as stress relief, or something that helps me get through making dinner and wrangling kids in baths, that’s when I think “mommy wine culture” comes into play and can be unhelpful to young moms. And it can be hard to catch yourself!
I think the key is to keep wine as a fun part of your life, a treat at the end of the day – not an escape from it. Finding other ways to help yourself with the stresses of motherhood so that drinking isn’t the answer. At least that’s what it is for me.
Because I love my damn glass of cabernet at the end of the day.
Kristin P.
I have felt miserable at times, but I think that’s normal. Having a baby, raising kids. It is hard, and there are many challenges.
I find social media and comparison to be a big part of the problem for me. I easily fall into the trap of thinking that everyone else is happier than me and therefore I am doing something wrong and my life is more of a mess than others. (Even though I KNOW social media is mostly fake!) The expectation that we will be happy all the time is unrealistic.
I have found that I need real-life connections and community. I think moms need help and also want to help other moms.
I recently helped another mom in our community take apart her daughter’s bunk bed because they are moving and she’s 8 months pregnant. It didn’t take long, and it wasn’t hard, but she was so grateful. And to me, it just seemed like the right thing to do. If we can help others, we should. Moms need to stick together.
I think wine culture is hurting moms. I also think it isolates moms who don’t drink, who may feel like they don’t fit in.
I stopped drinking in 2024 for a dry January and just never started again. It’s made me realize how often people make comments to me about “you must need a drink.” No. I don’t. I need help. Without strings or judgements. For me, it’s usually small things that help the most; it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Buy me a coffee, help me fold my laundry, or have an honest conversation with me about motherhood.
Modern motherhood is hard at times. So is life without kids. That’s just life. For me, the secret is in gratitude and intentionally finding joy in each day. (And also less social media!)
Anonymous
So, is modern motherhood that bad?
No. It’s intense, messy, and full of a kind of love that changes who we are at our core. But is it hard, lonely, and overwhelming? More than we usually admit. What’s bad isn’t motherhood itself – it’s the pressure to do it all without asking for help, the unrealistic expectations, and the silence around how much we’re holding.
The people I spoke with often mentioned feeling isolated and exhausted. They talked about needing more support, wanting to feel like more than just a ‘mom,’ and feeling pressure from the unrealistic images we see on social media. At the same time, they shared how deeply they love their kiddos and how grateful they are for them.
What I hope you take from these voices is that you are not alone. If you’re feeling stretched too thin or questioning if you’re doing enough – welcome to the club. And I’m here to tell you: you’re doing more than enough! Maybe we don’t need to escape motherhood with wine or jokes or perfectly filtered posts. Maybe we just need each other.
So let’s keep telling the truth. Let’s keep showing up for one another. And let’s keep reminding every mom we know: you’re doing a damn good job.
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