My marriage is crumbling and it’s like watching a car accident happen in slow motion. I don’t know how, when, or what happened. About two months ago, things between us began feeling off. My husband and I have been bickering over little things, dumb things. It’s like we are reading completely different pages of a book. To be honest, it’s like we are reading two entirely different books. Maybe it’s the combination of lack of sleep, stress, being overworked, demanding children, and too little time to spend with each other. Nevertheless, about a month ago I woke up, glanced over at my sleeping husband and realized he hadn’t looked at me- really looked at me- in a long time. At first, I was angry at myself. Have I let myself go? When was the last time I shaved, plucked my eyebrows or wore something other than stained jeans and tee-shirts? I am so tired, I don’t have any time for self-care.
Our kids need me, dinner needs to be made, I am late for work, I forgot to sign that permission slip, and my son’s fish has been floating dead in its tank for three days. I am a sinking ship and so is my marriage. Are we heading towards divorce?
My husband works long hours, tries to help me around the house, and takes care of the kids when I work. We are in survival mode and we are starting to resent each other. So here I am, lying awake, looking at my sleeping husband and wondering how the heck we ended up here. Where did we go wrong? It’s not that I haven’t been trying. The other night, I actually stayed awake for sex. The next morning, I work up early with the kids, let him sleep in, and even made him breakfast, hoping he would take notice and appreciate me. My actions were in vain and I didn’t even get a thank you. I don’t know what I am doing wrong.
The days I want to give up and throw in the towel are becoming far more frequent.
I have attempted serious conversations with my husband in regards to seeing a marriage counselor. He refuses to go to therapy and in turn attempts to make me believe that our marriage is fine. Does he really feel it is fine? Is this denial? Is he honestly happy and I am inventing these problems? Whatever he feels, I know I am not happy. I feel lonely, criticized, and ignored. I have done everything to try and communicate how I feel, short of yelling in his face. Any attempted communication only leads to more fighting and bickering. I am out of energy, sinking, and disappearing under our piles of dirty laundry and filthy dishes. I can’t save this marriage on my own, even if I want to. I can’t continue to walk through my days pretending we are the same couple that fell in love, got married and exchanged vows.
I am at a stalemate, I don’t want to keep fighting for something my husband won’t fight for, but I am afraid of giving up.
I am afraid of all the consequences that come with divorce, the effects on our children, and who will get the house? Most importantly, can I be alone? I have been with my husband for more than half a decade, and I don’t remember how to be on my own. Am I strong enough to leave and stand on my own, or strong enough to stay and keep fighting for my marriage?
So, I ask you universe, what do I do, and how do I get my husband to hear me and fight for me? Is this the end? Will I be a 30-something divorcee?