A Simple Guide to Proper Parenting

As every parent has said at one point or another, there should be a handbook on how to properly raise children. And maybe a licensing exam. But we all know that once our precious littles arrive into our waiting arms, we are sent off into the big world with nary a second glance, solely and frantically responsible for this wriggling, miniature, alive human.

This is not to say that we can’t find expert guidance and plausible anecdotes to convince us that our inner voice is speaking the right language. But really, that’s the problem. There is too much information on how to parent. It’s everywhere. Just too much.

But no longer.

I’ve combined a bunch of the advice I’ve seen and heard over the years into one place, touching on many of the most important parenting topics of 2015.

I now present to you a Simple Guide to Proper Parenting.

Whatever you do, do not hover.

Let your kiddos roam free, without supervision. Otherwise you will smother your offspring and deprive them of the oxygen necessary to grow into big people. And, you might mess up their hair.

Always keep your children within sight. Do not allow them freedom.

This is important. You could be arrested. Maintain eye contact at all times.

If you are a mother, you must work outside the home.

Monkey see, monkey do. And don’t you want your little monkey to experience the same guilt and gut-wrenching decisions you have? Not to mention the sense of accomplishment and paycheck.

If you are a mother, you must not use child care.

This means being present for drop-offs, pick-ups, PTO meetings, home-baked post-school snack time, and every sporting event. Home and away. I mean, you do want your children to see you trying to be a part of their life, right?

Sugar is evil. Ban it forever.

This includes juice. And raisins. And cocoa frosted flakes. After 730 days of begging, whining, and negotiating, they won’t even remember what sugar is.

Never completely ban any food.

Life is all about choices. How else will they learn to make good ones if they never experience the bloating and misery of overeating ice cream? Moderation is the name of the game.

Do not allow your daughter to wear pink, play pink, talk pink. Or your son, for that matter.

Pink is just too loaded. That wavelength of light just screams ‘I am making a statement! It might be good or it might be bad! I’m not sure!’

Never dictate what your child should wear.

Talk about hovering. Kids express themselves through what they wear, be it purple sunglasses or a Minecraft square head. As long as you maintain eye contact, you won’t even really see what they’re wearing from the neck down anyway.

I may have missed a few points that pave the road to family bliss, but this should give you a head start. You can thank me later.