For as long as I can remember, I’ve known that I didn’t fit into a specific gender mold. Born genetically female, I never quite fit into that box. At the same time, I knew that I was certainly not male. Truth be told, I didn’t know what to call myself.
I did not grow up with the language or understanding needed to express this conundrum. It was uncomfortable, confusing, and isolating to not fit into any category I saw my peers occupying. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I discovered the nonbinary and gender-queer community. I immediately felt at home but didn’t officially come out until I was 30. Since then, I have changed how I outwardly identify in small ways, but one thing has stayed the same.
I am nonbinary; I proudly embrace the title “mom” and wear it with honor. I am a nonbinary mom and both my identity and my journey matter.
I want to acknowledge that the topic of pronouns and gender identity has been and remains controversial. I understand that each individual’s journey is unique. And while my search for my most comfortable identity was challenging on its own, so was my relationship with the title “mom”. Calling myself a nonbinary mom has not been easy or straightforward.
After the birth of my first child in 2015, I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression. I had a very difficult time bonding with her and an even harder time feeling like a human at all. I was wracked with fear, intrusive thoughts, and complete hopelessness. I didn’t feel overwhelming joy when she finally uttered her first “mama”; the title felt alien to me. For years, I asked my friends and family if and when they finally felt like a “real mom”. Everyone told me that it would come to me in time, but it just never seemed to happen.
At the time my second child was born, I had been quietly but comfortably identifying as nonbinary and using she/they pronouns for about three years. I was comfortable with my nonbinary identity but had trouble knowing how the pieces inside me fit together to honor my identity as a nonbinary mom.
After a traumatic birth, postpartum hemorrhage, and extreme postpartum mental health disorders that saw me hospitalized several times, I was literally fighting for my life minute by minute, hour by hour. What kept me tethered to my life, despite having no hope for the future, was my children. After undergoing extensive therapy and receiving unwavering support, I emerged from the difficult times, proudly embracing the title of “mom” as I began to rebuild my life.
At this point, “mom” felt like a badge of honor. It held no ties with gender identity or expression. I birthed two humans and fought my way out of utter darkness just to be able to watch them grow. I was their mother and I was proud. But, there was a part of me that questioned how others would perceive my identity as a nonbinary mom.
Mom is one of the most gendered terms, associated with a female-identifying parent. “Mom” transcends being just a label; it embodies a complete identity. You see it all the time in mom groups or on social media. As a postpartum mental health podcaster and advocate, I am especially aware of these trends. Mom, mommy, mama, mother: the female ideal, the life-giver, the nurturer – forever female and feminine, the ultimate “she”. In my case, I felt that I had no place in this narrative as a nonbinary mom.
As I openly transition to identifying as both nonbinary and mom, stepping into these seemingly conflicting spaces that I simultaneously occupy, I have received condescending remarks, judgmental comments, and even threats to my life. Once, these may have made me question myself and wonder if I should continue being my authentic self. Now, they just make me sad for the people they come from.
I am a nonbinary mom. These definitions are not in conflict and I claim both.
My spouse and both my children have happily and seamlessly accepted me in every stage of my journey. Gender and sexuality have always been open topics for discussion in our family, in age-appropriate ways, of course. Nothing has ever been forced, but the resources for age-appropriate exploration are available. Our bookshelves are packed with everything from “The Little Engine That Could” to “Neither” by Airlie Anderson. Our media consumption is determined by interest and age appropriateness rather than if it conforms to a certain societal standard. And most importantly, we talk honestly, lovingly, and factually all the time.
Our most valued family standard is that you can always share your thoughts, feelings, and questions.
I have been an open book about my medical, mental health, and gender identity/sexuality journey in my home. My spouse has done the same. We discuss these topics with each other and our children in a way that is accurate and honest, without overwhelming our kids with too much information. This has created an environment of empathy, compassion, and constant growth.
There are a few simple ways we’ve encouraged our kids to be inclusive and compassionate out in the world.
One example is, when meeting someone new, we ask, “What are your words?” If someone is confused, my oldest child quickly adds, “I use she/her pronouns, and I am funny, energetic, creative, and I love dogs!” More often than not, this is met with recognition and a reciprocal response.
We also have a rule that we do not make remarks about other people’s bodies. We acknowledge that a person’s appearance does not necessarily define their identity.
Watching my family make these choices in real time reinforces my pride in holding the title “mom”.
I’ve learned that as life evolves, so will my relationship with my identity, but I’m ok with that. I know who I am today, and that is all that matters. I am a mother. I am nonbinary. I am a nonbinary mom. I am me.
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