There’s something tragic and comical about being an extroverted stay-at-home single mom. I spend most of my time with my 5 year-old daughter, and whole days can pass where I have almost no interactions with adults.
On a good day, I speak to the checkout person at the grocery store, make small talk with a stranger, and corner a fellow parent or two at my daughter’s school for 5 minutes of chat. I am so grateful for strangers who are happy to smile and joke with me when we see each other in every single aisle of the grocery store. When I am folding clothes, cleaning, or cooking, I imagine conversations I might have with friends about my mundane activities. I mumble clever quips under my breath and grin like a lunatic at my own jokes. Sometimes my daughter catches me, and I have to quickly make up some reason why I am quite literally having a conversation, and laughing about it, with myself.
On the too infrequent occasions when I spend time with friends, away from my child, I am a hot mess. A flaming lunatic so desperate to communicate and connect that verbal diarrhea pours out of me. Flushed and heady with the excitement of being with people, I shoot round after round of machine gun-like chatter. Give me one drink, and suddenly everyone is my best friend, and I am offering bites of my meal to the couple seated next to me.
I am starved for adult conversation.
I want to swear, talk about politics, confess my fears, get feedback about how I’m raising my kid, gossip, and giggle about my crushes. I want to talk to grown-ups. Anyone grown-up. I want to talk quickly, before my daughter starts listening, or needs my help, or just because I have a whole lot of information to cover.
I think one of the many reasons I have come to love group exercise classes is for the small bit of socializing they offer me. I might be too out of breath to talk, but I can still smile and groan in the presence of strong and inspiring women. I need this interpersonal connection to be happy.
Writing is another outlet for the words that build up inside me. I intentionally write the way I speak- because I imagine that my posts are conversations with my friends, my readers. I also read every post out loud, just to make sure that my spoken voice is captured, as much as I can achieve.
Now that I am taking a break from online dating, I am even less likely to spend time with adults. No dates equals no sparkling chatter, no witty repartee.
I am, quite literally, desperate to talk with adults.
I have never in my adult life spent so much time alone or in the presence of someone unable to have an adult conversation. My daughter is wonderful company, for a 5-year-old. She is more introverted than I am though and is in a stage of wanting to differentiate from me. She wants to talk, morning to night, about My Little Pony, and when she can expect to get her “cutie mark.” As someone who is moderately heavily tattooed, I shrink inside at the idea of my precious 5-year-old having some sort of My Little Pony tattoo on her haunch. I can’t have more conversations about My Little Pony. I just can’t. The Grand Galloping Gala will surely have to go on, without my participation.
I’ve been forced to find other outlets for friendship. I didn’t mean to make friends online. Not one friendship was intentional. But as it turns out, I am the Golden Labrador of human personalities. I love new people. I love making friends. I generally like every single person I meet and wish I had time to get to know everyone. I feel awed and excited when I get to discover what makes each of us so wonderfully unique and beautiful.
This is probably ruining my street cred. You thought I was a stone-cold bi**h, right?
Stop laughing.
Let me tell you all where I have made virtual friends. It’s really ok if you laugh at me any time.
Farmville. I made friends with strangers from all over the world. I no longer play Farmville, and haven’t in over 5 years, but I have maintained friendships with the people I used to play with. I care about their lives and know they care about me too.
BabyCenter Community. One BabyCenter friend asked me about our local baby swim class, and I responded in an unusually curt, unhelpful sort of way. Sorry, A! We did end up doing baby swim class together, and have been best friends ever since. The other BabyCenter friend is a strong, kind woman who makes me laugh, talks about parenting with me, and helps me take myself less seriously.
Instagram. I have met home cooks, chefs, parents, travelers, and more. Some of these people I have eaten meals with in real life, some I text regularly, and others ask about Lila as though they know her. I (virtually) met a man whose zest for life, generous soul, and humor are even more gorgeous than the amazing food he barbecues. And a shy lawyer who is also a penpal. Yes, 41 year-olds have penpals. I met a woman who would be a soul sister if she weren’t all the way across the country. She certainly came to my rescue when I just had to have some pieces from the Lilly Pulitzer collection for Target- she bought several tops and dresses for me and for my daughter and let me send her a check. Now that’s trust, and all are real, undeniable friendships.
Words with Friends. I have an obsession with all Scrabble-like games, and like the online format of Words with Friends. I have somehow made two dear, gentle, and smart friends just through the random match-up process of playing games with strangers. I have lunch with both of these friends, and communicate with them regularly. I still try to beat them in our games, but I might be just a little less vicious now that I know what their laughter sounds like.
Secret Facebook Groups. The thing about secret Facebook groups is that they’re a little like Fight Club: if you’re in a secret group, no one sees your membership or your fabulously witty, but private repartee. And the first rule of secret groups is that you don’t talk about secret groups. Am I right? These groups have been an absolute lifesaver for me, though.
Where I am cursed in romantic love, I am blessed beyond words with my friendships.
I don’t intend to lure people into friendship; I am so lonely, and when my daughter goes to bed at 7:00 PM, I don’t want to wait hours and hours before interacting with another adult. Consequently, I say “good game” and “beautiful photo” and “tell me more about that” and watch as beautiful friendships blossom under my fingertips.
This post is dedicated to all of my virtual friends: thank you for sticking with me, for supporting me, and for keeping me company every lonely night as I soldier through single motherhood. Thank you, from this lonely extrovert, for helping me remember how good people can be.
I’m sure we’ve met you seem familiar x
Look how sweet you are, Jon. Thanks for writing.
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Hey Jemima,
Being a SAHM with a preschool kid is HUGELY isolating. You aren’t alone! You also aren’t alone in cultivating friends online – my whole life is online! I don’t think of them as virtual – they’re real people. They’re just not local. I also have friends all over the world – some I’ll meet someday and some I won’t. Used to think this was odd too, but the Internet has broken down barriers to communication. Now you can find various tribes online and aren’t limited to the people who live in close proximity. Personally I think this is a great thing!
Alexis
I definitely think online friends are incredible too. It’s empowering to be able to meet people based on shared interests too, not just proximity. I wish there were more “real” people in my life, but I am very grateful for my online friendships.