Not, like, dreams of being a beauty pageant queen or an astronaut. No, motherhood just ruined my sleepy-time dreams.
When I was in college, I had such beautiful dreams. I would go to sleep after a night of sipping wine and watching House with my dorm-mates. I’d fall into that hazy, post-wine dream-state, where I was in an English garden, in full bloom. I was lying on a picnic blanket, watching the clouds float by. The handsome gardener, Brad, would discover me there, one thing would lead to another, and I’d wake up in a cheery mood that would last for days.
I forgot about those carefree dreams, until the other night, when a similar dream started but quickly took many strange turns that left me awake with anxiety at 2am. It started like any other dreamy, romantic scene.
Except I was at a ball, and it was very Beauty-and-the-Beast-ish. Before the dance, we were having a grand banquet in the formal dining room, and everyone was dressed in their finest attire. I was wearing a sparkly off-white gown, with a golden tiara, very 1920s-style. The room was filled with sounds of clinking glass and chatter. I glanced lovingly at my date, sitting next to me.
I was taken aback! He was kind of old… well, older than me.
And he said his name was Howard. Howard, like the name of my gynecologist (gulp). I smiled politely and tried to make small talk. I asked him how he was doing, if he was enjoying the party. He looked up at me, and his lip began to quiver, like he was going to cry. “Howard, what’s wrong?” I said, concerned.
Howard began to bawl like a baby! Then, he climbed into my lap, sucked his thumb, and I proceeded to rock him until he calmed down.
It’s amazing how, in a dream, these things don’t seem at all strange. I got Howard re-situated in his chair, with his sippy cup, and then he asked me to dance!
We danced for awhile, and then Howard asked me if I would go to the grocery store and pick up some Colby Jack cheese sticks for his lunch tomorrow. I stared at him for a long time, with my mouth half-open but finally told him that I would be happy to.
Our limo drove us to the grocery store, and I ran in only to find that the store was closing in 5 minutes! I hiked up my ball gown and ran for the dairy aisle. Unfortunately, they only had Mozzarella cheese sticks and no Colby Jack! Oh no!
I grabbed the Mozzarella ones and ran to the cashier but was too late. They were locking the doors.
Back in the limo, I apologized to Howard for not being able to get his cheese sticks. He smiled warmly at me and told me that it was fine – he was just happy that we were here together. How sweet!
He put his arm around me, and I tried to get comfortable in the limo seat, but something was pressing against my back. I looked behind me to find my daughter’s car seat had been installed in the limo!
I smiled politely at Howard then shifted in my seat and adjusted my gown. When I looked up, Howard was leaning in for a kiss! I gasped, slapped him, and said, “Howard! I’m married. You can’t kiss me! Do you realize how inappropriate this is?”
And, of course, Howard acted completely put-out, as if I had ruined the date… seemingly forgetting that it was ME who rocked him like a baby at the banquet only an hour ago and the effort I went through to get him Colby Jack cheese sticks.
I asked him to drive me home, where I woke up in my own bed. The sound of the limo’s engine faded into the sound of my husband’s C-PAP machine roaring in my ear.
Worst. Date. Ever.
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