Nobody thinks that they will end up divorced when they exchange vows on their wedding day. Marriages are hard work and complicated, whether they last or not. Mine did not stand the test of time. We endured some extremely complex and traumatic experiences together that changed who we are as people and that contributed to us growing apart. We divorced several years ago and are both now happily partnered with other people.
I want to talk about those other people. The steppeople. You may have grown up dreaming of girl names and wondering about ideal birth spacing- but did you ever imagine you’d create a stepparent? Making a stepparent was never a part of my plans.
Due to my own childhood experiences and traumas, I have always been extremely leery of the stepparent/child dynamic. After my divorce, my anxiety went into overdrive when new partners were brought into the picture. It was all very triggery for my inner child. Making a stepparent terrified me and brought up a lot of deep-seated fears.
I am extremely overprotective of my children. I had no intention of allowing them to fall in love with any extra adults until I was certain that their tiny hearts wouldn’t be broken. I was very fearful that a future stepparent might harm them or mistreat them. My own experience as a step-child lead me to be even more cautious about making a stepparent.
My children were still very young when wasband and I split up. In the early days, it was very important to me to establish firm boundaries with my new partner. It was imperative to me that my kids understood that they only have one mother and one father. These new people in their lives are bonus people.
Over the past 4.5 years something beautiful and unexpected has happened Because of my initial fears, my wasband and I kept initial interactions pretty casual and low-key. We didn’t force anyone (adult or child) into a role they were not comfortable with. We cultivated a safe space for everyone involved to slowly get to know each other. We allowed new relationships to organically develop.
Funny thing is, this is a great first step for making a stepparent.
Thanks to their newfound bonus people, the kids got to experience new things. They tried new cuisines. Their family size more than doubled. With more people to love them, their confidence soared. This support has been great not just for the kids, as we all started attending school events together, but it was good for the adults too. I even began to form a friendship with my wasband’s girlfriend.
About a year and a half ago, my oldest, Lila, became gravely ill. She was born with a rare, terminal genetic disorder that caused problems with her immune system and her airway. We knew from the time of her diagnosis at six days old that she was not long for the world.
Our miracle girl was only promised two weeks, and we got to love her for 10.5 years. Even though we knew it would happen someday, when that day came we were not ready. Who could be? It was devastating. On top of the emotional turmoil, there were endless excruciating end-of-life decisions thatneeded to be made quickly. It was the hardest thing I have ever lived through.
Something lovely and unexpected began to emerge during those last few weeks in the hospital.
Sean, my wasband, and I, and our partners, Whitney and Anthony, formed a united front to support the boys through the transition and eventual loss of their sister.
Anthony was on hand for support when Sean and I broke the news to them that she wasn’t coming home this time. The four of us walked together behind Lila’s bed during Lila’s honor walk. For those of you who do not know, an honor walk is one of the ways hospitals and Gift of Life honor potential organ donors. Friends, family, community members, and hospital staff are invited to line the hallways of the route to the OR to pay silent respect to the donor and support the donor family. We adults were all together holding vigil by Lila’s side when life support was removed. We cried together when she took her last breath and was taken to the operating room to complete organ donation.
During Lila’s celebration of Life, I was unable to bring myself to speak during the service. Whitney mustered all of her strength to stand up in front of that crowded room and beautifully eulogize our sweet girl. Hearing the lovely things she said made me realize how lucky our kids are to have so many people who truly love them. Making a stepparent has been deeply rewarding and surprising for me.
In the beginning, I assumed my divorce was the end of the world. It turns out it was another new beginning.
As I sit here at the soccer fields with Sean, Whitney, Anthony, and our blended family, I’m overcome with joy and gratitude that our kids have so many people to adore them. It has even helped me to heal parts of my heart that I didn’t know needed healing. Making a stepparent isn’t something I planned to do, but it is something that has profoundly enriched my and my children’s lives.
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