Fashion Trends? I Can’t Even

I’m a child of the 80s. Fashion trends were both preposterous and severe. I’m a survivor.

I survived jelly shoes, hammer harem pants, tapered, cuffed, acid-washed, high-waisted jeans, banana clips, crimped and teased hair, and Shaker sweaters. And not only that, but my mother made some of my clothes. Back then Pinterest was not a thing and craftiness was very uncool. Today, my saintly mother would be lauded as having rocked motherhood, and I finally see the wisdom and merit in a conservatively necklined frock. But I digress.

It’s kind of amazing my kids still consent to being seen with me in public. Truth be told, I need my own personal stylist, I always have. My closet needs help. I blame the beginning of the end of my fashion not-know-how on yes, the 80s, and also 1996.

You see, I was stationed in Okinawa, Japan as a young Marine for most of 1996 and part of 1997. When I returned stateside everyone was wearing bell bottom and boot cut jeans. How did this happen? This puzzled me greatly and I stubbornly rebelled, rocking my straight-leg Guess and Gap jeans from high school. Eventfully I gave in, but it took a while (thanks for the push Julie, my oldest and dearest friend).

Fast forward 10 years and four kids later. Those years don’t count because 70% of them I donned maternity clothes and yoga pants.

In 2008, I finally and fully embraced the boot cut pant, and how this style elongates the leg when paired with boots or heels or even flip flops. Freshly out of preggo panel jeans, my Au Pair (10 years my junior), took me shopping and introduced me to the world of skinny jeans.

Skinny jeans, people. After four kids. The entire idea seemed so ridiculous to me that I thought, why not. So I got a pair. 8 years later, I finally feel confident enough to wear them on the reg, usually with tall boots or cuffed with flip flops in warmer weather. (Thank you Kim, my fashion forward and dearly beloved Canadian Au Pair!)

Don’t even get me started on booties or short boots and how you are supposed to wear those things (to cuff or not to cuff). Let me grapple with one wardrobe changing trend at a time, please.

But no. Fashion trends would not wait. Black leggings as wardrobe staple: Now I have to contend with butt-hugging, sag-kissing, flab-boasting spandex-leggings-as-pants-every-day-no-matter-what. Seriously? Without a tunic? This is a thing? But Nancy, everyone is doing it. I go to the gym, I sweat, I tread, I ellipt, I barre, I pump, and NO; I still do not want the world seeing my butt in leggings outside of those four gym walls.

So there you have it, almost two decades of me acquiescing to the whims (demands) of fashion trends while kicking and screaming, and still I am clueless.

I rarely know what to wear in any given situation which requires me leaving my homestead (family farm in THE actual boon docks- the place that started the phrase). I’ll blame this one on the military again. Wearing cammies and combat boots for four years just changed my entire outlook on clothing. And if I’m honest, my most awesome fashion accessory through the raising babies days the last decade and a half was a woven wrap or ring sling. #babywearingFTW

I basically have 3-4 “uniforms”:

1. Boot cut jeans, t-shirt, hoodie = leaving the ranch or staying home with a chance someone might stop by

2. Pajama jeans/yoga pants, t-shirt, hoodie = at home in the evenings with no chance of visitors.

3. Leggings, tank top = I’m at the gym

4. Simple Dress = Date Night

After that, I kind of look at my closet and panic. I’ve decided I need a personal stylist to whip me into shape. Maybe once my muffin top is gone I’ll feel more confident but I can’t wait for that someday over the rainbow moment anymore. I want to feel good and look good now.

So does anyone have any advice for me?

How have you handled questionable fashion trends? Come on all you mommy fashionistas, I know you’re out there, I follow 65 of you on Instagram, help a sista out!

Crop tops have made a come back I hear, but I can’t even…