My mom died two summers ago. In front of me, my sister, and my partner. On an extended family vacation. It was traumatizing, so I don’t talk about it very much. Not even with my partner or my close friends.
My mom used to say she’d rather remember people for how they lived, not how they died. I do that remembering my mom now, with what I like to call dead mom rituals. Or, #deadmomrituals if you’re feeling youthful. My mom would have appreciated the hashtag.
Cross-stitching is one of my main dead mom rituals.
When I watched my mom cross stitch as a kid I thought it looked really boring, but during a certain presidential administration before the current presidential administration, I felt the need to stab something. I loved cross-stitch. However, I didn’t really get obsessed with it until the past year. I love the act of stabbing fabric with my needle, but I also love the accessories. Needle minders? Trying out different kinds of hoops? Yes, please! I even started a cross-stitch Instagram where I follow a lot of LGBTQ+ designers and makers. I’m living my best crafting life.
Part of the joy in cross-stitching is that I use some of my mom’s supplies, including her embroidery floss. I love creating pieces that use materials that were hers.
My favorite so far was cross-stitching my daughter’s name on her Christmas stocking, made by my partner, using my mom’s floss. A trifecta of crafting for her by women who love her.
I have two Christmas stockings mom cross-stitched for me as a child, and she even finished one for my kid before she died. My sister has an unfinished one mom started for my youngest nephew, so eventually all the grandkids will have coordinating stockings created by their grandma to remember her by.
My sister has her own dead mom rituals.
Our mom loved Bath and Body Works and had different scents she wore seasonally. My sister shared that she buys candles or hand sanitizer there sometimes, in mom’s scents, something she would have never done before.
The three of us loved watching Pride & Prejudice (only the BBC miniseries version, the best version) and that will always be a dead mom ritual for my sister and me. We even wore Pride & Prejudice-themed pins at her memorial.
Mom also loved a tea party. As adults, my sister and I often had high tea with her whenever we had a chance.
Writing this post is a dead mom ritual, in a way.
She wrote epic, detailed itineraries for all vacations. Every year, she also wrote her Top 10 book list. I wonder if she would print this out like she did with all the mass emails I wrote in my twenties when I was teaching English in Japan.
It will forever devastate me that my mom’s not here anymore. I hate that my kiddo didn’t have the chance to get to know her well. But, I’ll let her know about my dead mom rituals and how it helps me remember the fun I had with my mom.
Maybe my kiddo will have dead mom rituals for me (hopefully, when she’s older than I am now). I hope they include weird crafts and dance parties. What are your dead mom rituals? And, I don’t mean to exclude other loved ones. You can have dead best friend rituals, or dead dad rituals, or any rite of remembrance you prefer. How do you think you’ll be remembered?
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