How to Bake a Pie in 61 Easy Steps


1. Sign up to bake a pie for a party.

2. Immediately realize that you have never made a pie before, unless you count the no-bake kind from a box.

3. Mildly freak out.

4. Find every cookbook you own and frantically look through them for pie recipes

cookbooks, pie

5. Choose a recipe for apricot pie from Ruth Reichl’s book My Kitchen Year because it looks fairly easy.

6. Plan on blaming Ruth Reichl if the pie doesn’t turn out well.

7. Realize that there are no fresh apricots in Vermont in November.

8. Groan dramatically.

9. Rush to the grocery store to check out the canned and frozen fruit options.

10. Go back and forth between the aisles while you try to choose between canned apricots and frozen peaches.

11. Buy both so you don’t have to decide right now.

12. Call Mom for pie-making advice.

13. Learn that Mom has only made pie crust once and it didn’t turn out well.

14. Rush back to the grocery store to buy a box of pre-made pie crust.

15. Debate whether to attempt making homemade pie crust or just take the easy route with the store bought option.

16. Solicit advice about pie baking from everyone you know.

17. In a moment of bravery, decide to attempt to make your own pie crust from scratch.

18. Realize that the apricot pie recipe does not include a crust recipe.

19. Shake hand angrily at cookbook.

20. Search for advice in Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything.

21. Roll your eyes when you read that making a pie crust is as easy as making a Play Doh pie.

22.Consider using Play Doh for a pie crust until you realize that your children have let it all dry out again.

pie dough, rolling pin, food precossor23. Add dry ingredients and butter to food processor.

24. Curse under you breath when the food processor won’t turn on.

25. Smack the food processor a few times until it finally decides to do its job.

26. Combine dry ingredients with ice water.

27. Deflect your child’s question when he asks if it’s supposed to look like that.

28. Form ingredients into a ball.

29. Somehow manage to cut your arm on the plastic wrap box.

30. Give the box a glare to show your disapproval.

31. Wrap the dough ball in the plastic wrap and let it rest in the refrigerator.

32. Liberally add flour to your kitchen counter and also get some on your outfit.

33. Begin to roll out the dough.

34. Decide that Mark Bittman is a liar because it’s definitely harder than playing with Play Doh.

35. Realize that the dough is sticking to the counter despite the layer of flour.

36. Admonish the dough, although it doesn’t seem to be listening.

37. Stop to appreciate your hard work when you finally manage to transfer the dough into a pie plate.

38. Realize that you don’t have enough dough to make a fancy edge.

39. Sigh dramatically.

40. Pinch the edge into as nice of a shape as you can manage.

41. Put the crust back in the refrigerator to rest.

42. Debate whether to pre-bake the crust or just fill it and bake it all at once.

43. At this point, decide to go for the easiest possible option.

44. Fill pie crust with apricots.

pie crust, filled pie45. Realize that you should have bought more fruit, but decide to forge ahead anyway.

46. Add a streusel topping to the pie.

47. Stare at it while you wonder if it’s supposed to be that gloopy.

48. Decide that you no longer care and put the pie in the oven.

49. Take a break to eat lunch with your child who claims he is starving to death.

50. Check on pie.

51. Screech like an owl when you realize that the edge of the crust is burning.

52. Smugly add a foil ring around the edge of the pie crust like the cookbook recommends.

53. Finish baking pie.

54. Realize that the crust is quite dark despite your best efforts with the foil.

55. Decide that a tasty crust is better than a fancy crust and cut off the burnt edges.

56. Cover your pie and hope that your children and cat leave it alone until evening.

57. Bring pie to party.





58. Realize that pie actually does taste good.

59. Sigh with relief.

60. Vow to use store bought pie crust next time unless you are trying to impress a bunch of foodies.

61. Call Grandma and tell her how much you appreciate all of her homemade pies throughout all the years.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here