We’ve all done it. Before we have time to think about it, the words slip out of our mouths leaving us to stand there wondering, “What did I just say?” Not in a million years did I think there would be any reason to tell someone, “Don’t lick the car” among other things. Not until I became a mother.
Here are just a few of the phrases that have crossed my lips in my almost 19 years of parenting.
1. “Don’t lick the car.”
Yup, it was necessary. My then three year- old was licking the car, the outside of the car. We live in Vermont. Our roads are kept clear by using salt to melt snow and ice. This salt also leaves our cars, dare I say, tasty to a toddler. I have nothing more to say about this one.
2. “Are those candy canes under your pillow?”
One Christmas I decided to decorate the tree with small candy canes. Lots of them. As the days went on, I started to notice spots on the tree that were lacking candy canes. My daughter was upstairs in her room, playing so I went up to ask her if she knew anything about the vanishing candy canes. As I opened her door, she threw down her pillow and blurted, “Nothing!” In her defense, she hadn’t eaten any of them yet. She was merely stockpiling.
3. “Because paper has no nutritional value.”
Ok, this one I have to admit I said to a kindergarten student I was working with. The kiddo insisted that I give her a good reason not to eat paper. This is all I could come up with.
4. “There is pudding on the back of your knee.”
Kids are messy eaters. They are also messy, well, you know. It was chocolate pudding. Let’s just say I was relieved it was chocolate pudding.
5. “Why is your hair covered in lipstick?”
While away, out of the country, with my oldest daughter, my youngest at the time stayed home with Dad. They had a grand week. They went skiing, built a door on the treehouse and went to visit friends. When they came to pick us up upon our return, my younger had a hat on. The next morning she greeted me with her blanket wrapped around her head. Hmmm. Upon removing the blanket, I discovered a very greasy head. Surely Dad had made her bathe while we were gone, hadn’t he? Then I could smell the lipstick. I won’t go into detail, but Dad did not have to take too much of the blame on this one. Several home remedies later, her hair was squeaky clean. FYI: Dawn dish soap is the most effective way to remove lipstick from hair. Save this, you may need it. Really.
6. “I don’t know why your butt is sticky.”
For the record, I do not let my kids come to the table naked. That said, my youngest had finished her breakfast, I cleaned her hands and face, and she was off to play. A few minutes later she came back to the kitchen announcing, “My butt is sticky!” This is my third child. I had not yet heard this one. She did have maple syrup on her pancakes. But, her butt? I checked. Sure enough, somehow that syrup made its way to her little rump cheeks. I don’t want to know how it got there and you don’t want to know how I knew it was maple syrup. Next…
7. “Because your sister is 15 and you’re…3!”
This was part of a conversation with my littlest that happened just last week. We had to go somewhere and there was nobody else at home. The little one did not want to go. The following is our exchange: Ruth-“I don’t want to go.”Mom- “You have to go. There is no one at home and you can’t stay here alone.”Ruth- “Well, the other day Daddy and I went to Costco and Lillian stayed home alone.”Mom- “Lillian is 15 and you’re…3!”
I could not believe I had to reason this out with a THREE YEAR OLD! A three year old who was probably already making a plan for her three hours home alone- 7 cheese sticks, 6 episodes of Caillou, and sitting on the couch wearing nothing but a princess tutu. Foiled!
I’m sure there were more, hundreds more. When I need a good laugh I imagine myself BK (before kids) at a cocktail party, laughing, mingling and then try to figure out a scenario where any one of the above phrases would be appropriate. Nope. Not one. Then I am reminded of the laughter and fun my children bring to my life. I wouldn’t trade that sticky butt for anything!
