Before there was mommy and daddy, before the everyday chaos of “change this diaper,” “pack that bag,” and “who’s making dinner,” there were daily “good morning, beautiful” and “I miss you,” “message me when you wake up,” and “I can’t wait to see you” texts.
It’s easy to become roommates or co-managers of the house while navigating parenthood. Despite the chaos parenthood brings, I think it’s vital to remember we’re partners. Husband and wife. People who want to be together. My husband and I love each other and want to make sure our marriage lasts. That’s why we are intentional about how we prioritize marriage during parenthood.
Our relationship isn’t perfect, but I’ve noticed we are always making an effort somehow, some way, to keep the spark alive, every single day. Let me share 10 ways we prioritize marriage during parenthood.
Weekly Check-Ins
A weekly check-in was something my husband came across. We can credit social media for his finding. The original idea emphasized a baseball reference – each person states one base hit, one strike, and one home run. We started with this format, and it evolved into a list of things we are thankful for and scheduled communication of something that we need from the other person for the week. It also serves as a mental health check-in.
20 Questions
We do those cheesy online quizzes and 20-question lists we see on social media. I also follow a relationships account on Instagram that offers “questions of the day.” It’s fun, easy, and a great way to get a conversation started. Some of the questions have included: what’s a random fact about you I don’t know? If you lost me in the grocery store, where’s the first place you’d look? If you could ban one thing from my wardrobe forever, what would it be? Is there something I’ve stopped doing that you used to like? And what’s the smallest thing I do that makes you feel loved?
Date Nights
Feels like an obvious one, right?! You may have heard of the 2-2-2 rule. The rule states a couple should go on a date once every two weeks, spend a weekend away every two months, and take a week-long vacation every two years, according to Relationship Expert, Dr. Laura Berman. I find this tip helpful yet unrealistic. I know we can’t afford to go away every 2 months or even every two years. We’ve also never used a babysitter. We rely on family, and they just aren’t always available. The suggestion does get me motivated to schedule date nights, though. I find it helpful as a reminder, and we try to make plans monthly as a way to prioritize marriage during parenthood.
Speak the Other’s Love Language
A couple of years ago, we each took the love language quiz and shared our results with each other. It wasn’t a big surprise, but a way to confirm how we each want to be loved. Physical touch, quality time, and acts of service speak to my heart, while words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service speak to him.
Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages – Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch have been criticized for many reasons, including being overly simplistic, not being based in science, and being overly conservative and normative. That said, we simply used it as a fun and easy activity to learn new ways to show each other affection and gratitude.
Words of Affirmation
“Thank you,” “I’m proud of you,” and “You’re amazing” are frequently said in our household along with “I love you.” Saying thank you focuses on the things your spouse (and kids) do rather than what they didn’t do. Words of affirmation speak volumes. We both like them.
Frequent Messaging
We like to stay connected by sending “I love you” texts, dirty jokes, and reel spamming. I like those “thinking of you” moments. I mean, that’s usually how relationships start. We remember how our relationship started and continue to connect this way while trying to prioritize marriage during parenthood.
Initiate Intimacy
It’s so easy to lose track, disconnect, or feel “touched out,” while raising little kids in particular. And when I say intimacy, I’m not just talking sex. Intimacy can be a hug, a kiss, showering together, or even cuddling. I think physical touch is important in our relationship as we prioritize marriage during parenthood.
Celebrate Our Accomplishments
We survived my husband’s basketball season- playing and coaching. We successfully traveled with our kids on a road trip without getting mad at each other. We both stayed awake to spend time together. Whatever it may be. We did it as a team. A quick high five or a thank you or statement of “look what we did” goes a long way.
Remember, We Started As Friends
We started as friends and continue to be besties. We share jokes, play games, and dance. I genuinely want to spend time with my husband. He is my best friend.
Keep Trying
To me, trying is the most important effort we can make. Is our marriage perfect? Nope, but we are both trying to put our best selves into it.
There is no perfect marriage, but there are really great marriages. And that’s why I want to prioritize marriage during parenthood.
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