Parenting While Driving

Texting while driving is a serious issue. But I’m not here to talk about texting. I’m here to talk about something more dangerous than texting. Parenting. More specifically, “Parenting While Driving.”

No really. I’m not poking fun at the texting while driving issue. It is scary and every single time my phone beeps with a new text message and I’m driving, and my kids are watching me from the back seat, I resist the urge to pick up and see what someone has written to me. It can wait I tell myself. But you know what can’t wait? My kids. My screaming, demanding, whining, kids sitting in the backseat.

Can I tell you how many times I’ve driven with one hand? Driving with one hand isn’t all that bad. It looks cool, and shows you have mad driving skills. But driving with one hand while the other hand is reaching into the backseat to open your kid’s fruit squeeze pouch is whole ‘nother can of worms.  I can’t tell you how many times my arm has nearly popped out of the socket trying to help my kids in the backseat. Here are some of my other “driving with one hand while your other hand does the following scenarios”:

1} You drive with one hand while the other rummages around the floor…

…of the back seat because your child has dropped her favorite cheap dollar-store toy and by god, she simply cannot wait one minute until you get to the next red light.

2} You drive with one hand while the other is a human garbage claw.

“Hey Mom, I’m done with this snack, can you take my garbage?” Because your seven year old simply cannot hold on to his fruit gummy wrappers. They will clutter up his space and prohibit him from truly enjoying the scenery. You reach your hand back, and wait while he deposits not only the gummy wrappers, but the yogurt squeeze tube that has now leaked all over your hands. You toss the garbage into your coffee cup holder and wipe your hands on your pants…or you lick them. Depending on how hungry you are.

3} You drive with one hand while the other is breaking up a fight.

“If you don’t stop that arguing, I’ll turn this car around.” Or I’ll just reach back and gently swat my hands into the backseat’s air space so as to create an illusion that I actually have control of the situation. Or I’ll swat until there is peace in this world…or at least until we get to Al’s French Fries.

4} You drive with one hand while the other is HOLDING YOUR CHILD’S hand.

She wants to snuggle, but gosh darn it we can’t take our seat belts off, safety first, so you hold her hand. Sometimes you can wriggle your fingers out of her death grip and resume driving for a few more yards before the little dictator screams out from the backseat, “holdie my handie.” But most times your efforts to free your hand are met with tantrums, so you endure the pain of overextending your arm until it turns numb and you’re pretty sure birth wasn’t this painful.

5} You drive with one hand while the other hand is desperately reaching into the backseat to put the pacifier back into your screaming baby’ mouth.

“Ok sweetie, mommy’s getting your binky. Shhh, it’s ok. Hang on sweetie let me put it in your mouth…oops that’s your eye, hold on, where’s your mouth?” More crying. “Ok, sweetie, please don’t spit out your binky onto the floor.” Crying continues, this time at a more serious pace and you’re reaching around on the floor looking for the binky that is no doubt now covered in fuzz, street dirt, and likely mouse turds from the little shit of a rodent that has been hibernating in your glove compartment all winter. You find the binky, stick it into your mouth (because someone has to clean it), and finally reach back again to successfully insert it into the pie hole of your screaming infant. Problem solved.

6} (My favorite) You drive with one hand while the other quietly digs into the bag of skittles that only you can see hidden on the front seat.

If you can just get your hand in without rattling the wrapper, they will never notice your stealth moves and you’re able to enjoy a moment of sugar-high peace.

Mom and Dad, and any other state police officers if you’re reading this…I really am a good driver.

I am safe and always aware of my surroundings. I try my hardest to be good citizen when I’m driving around town or on the highway…but dayum…my kids are demanding. Who’s kids aren’t demanding, especially when they are restrained in the back seat? Some might suggest that I should pull over more often when my kids need my attention. Don’t get me wrong…I do pull over. I pulled over once when I thought my daughter was choking in the backseat. I pulled over to break up a fight. I pulled over to reset the DVD player on a long car trip…I was pretty sure that programming the DVD to play Frozen all while driving down I-89 would be considered a felony. So there, I am reasonable. Most of the time.