On Being Imperfect

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Malcolm having a total meltdown.
Malcolm having a total meltdown.

So many of my friends that I’ve long admired for their parenting– smart, successful, confident women– seem weighed down by the totally wrong-headed belief that they are bad mothers.

Now that I’m a mom, I also battle these same feelings of guilt and doubt. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I can’t help it. The things I have beaten myself up over include my ongoing struggle breastfeeding, having caffeine before nursing, eating crappy pre-made meals, not exercising as much as I should, sometimes feeling angry or resentful at the baby or my husband, letting the baby watch tv, letting the baby sleep in bed with us (and then staying awake half the night worrying about SIDS)….

So where does all this guilt come from, and why are we so hard on ourselves?

Perhaps some of it comes from the seriousness of this undertaking– caring for and molding another human being is an awesome responsibility. The enormity of our love for our children is certainly a factor too: I know that when my child cries out in hunger or pain, it feels like a shot to my heart. But there’s more to it than that. Those are the things that make me want to do a good job, they’re not the things that make me feel like a failure and a bad human being.

Media certainly plays a role in making moms feel like we’re not good enough. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gagged at TV commercials with Kelly Rippa or some other impossibly attractive woman dancing around the house in high heels, helping the children with homework and science projects while also baking cakes, effortlessly hosting a soirée, and having her laundry and dishes magically do themselves. Women are held to impossible standards– we’re supposed to have an interesting career, plenty of time with the kids, a spotless house, a chipper attitude, perfectly pressed clothes, good hair and make-up, perfectly behaved kids that never cry or hit or throw tantrums, endless patience, a balanced diet, gym time to stay fit, and romantic time with our partners. I see tv commercials where thin, attractive, stylish moms with magic washing machines (and apparently no other pressing to-do’s) are able to spend all day making forts and having tea parties and puppet shows with their kids. Who wouldn’t feel depressed trying to live up to these fictional moms?

Having a child is hard enough on its own, but it also opens us up to relentless criticism. Whether from family, from other moms, or from perfect strangers, it seems there’s no end to the judgement heaped on our shoulders. While I’m sure it’s sometimes well-intentioned, these constant, nagging criticisms can be death-by-a-thousand-cuts for a mom’s morale.

Maria Kang (known as the "what's your excuse mom") admitted to news station KXTV that some of her photos have been airbrushed.
Maria Kang (known as the “what’s your excuse mom”) admitted to news station KXTV that some of her photos have been airbrushed.

Who can forget the firestorm this mom caused when she called out those of us who don’t have her amazing physique? I give the lady major props for her commitment to fitness, but her question (“What’s your excuse?”) as to why we don’t all look like her negates the possibility that not everyone’s life allows them to spend two hours at the gym every day. This kind of judgement doesn’t inspire me– all it does is make me feel bad about myself. As moms and as women, we really need to stop doing this competitive ‘I’m-better-than-you-are’ crap to each other and start being a little empathetic.

Giggles are never too far away, especially when mommy sings silly songs.
Giggles are never too far away, especially when mommy sings silly songs.

My rational brain knows that I’m doing okay at this mom gig (most days anyway). But what really helps is having support from others. A little encouragement can be a real lifesaver when you start slipping into that “I’m a terrible mother” state of mind. When I was struggling to figure out why our 1 month old cried inconsolably for hours every day (we eventually discovered it was acid reflux), his pediatrician and all the nurses kept saying, “You’re doing a great job, mom,” and “It’ll get better.”  It helped more than you can imagine.

We could all stand to encourage each other a bit more. So the next time you talk to a fellow mom, tell her she’s doing a great job. I guarantee you that she hasn’t heard it enough.

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