I’m a perfect mom.
PHEW! That felt great to say!
Before you stop reading, at least let me clarify.
I like sparkling floors, books arranged by height, clothes in color and sleeve length sequence, and objects all in their own “place.” I like checking boxes off a list, pretty calendars, and perfectly laid plans. I don’t function well with clutter and hate messes.
Perfectionist, right?
Why do I like things perfect? I guess it’s my way of controlling the situation. But as I’m quickly learning, toddlers don’t cooperate with your perfectly planned life. When our son first starting exploring, he would go from cupboard to cupboard, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. My husband would come home from work to find me in tears from picking up after him all day, and so full of anxiety. I begged him to help me find a solution-locking all the cupboards up! It did save my sanity; we did designate places that he could still get in and have his way with. After all, I know that I need to let him explore and I WANT to let him do that, it’s just so hard.
Why do I feel so out of control? When things are unstructured or chaotic I feel completely overwhelmed, and stressed. My story only gets more complicated with not just my husband, but two dogs and a toddler. My husband has this in parts of his DNA, but never to the same level. He likes things that are functional; I just like them to be pretty first, functional later.
Life is messy.
Life doesn’t care if the laundry is put away perfectly or if your kitchen counters are cleared. It doesn’t care if you just mopped the floors, of which your son is now littering with his dinner.
There’s a saying “When mama aint happy, aint nobody happy” this couldn’t be more accurate for me. A clean house & kid makes me happy, so watching my organized space turn into chaos in a matter of minutes, is hard. This is where I cautiously try to allow the creative space and chaos, we learn when our standards are challenged, and can grow when boundaries are broken. I recently implemented a toy rotation schedule because our small apartment, and my sanity, couldn’t handle it. It’s showed me that he can be creative and purposeful about playing with the toys that he has available to him. It’s also afforded me the opportunity to let him have all the toys out, and not freak out because it’s a manageable amount! I know daily he is watching my response to see how I handle the fact that he is throwing his toys around the living room or flinging his food on my newly mopped floor. I want him to know the value of structure, and properly caring for his belongings. We have started working with him on picking his toys up and putting them away. I’m also trying to not place that burden on him that he has to be a perfectly neat and tidy human. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t play or that toys can only stay on the shelves looking pretty.
It’s the least that I can do for him.
And for myself.
If there is one thing this crazy ride of Motherhood has taught me, it’s learning to let it go, embracing it, and choosing to live in the moment. I will not allow perfectionism to define my happiness, with my spouse, or my child. He needs me present daily in the trenches, showing him a real, genuine smile, not worrying about the mess. Not a perfect mom, just me. Even when your house is a mess, you can still be creative, encouraging, content, happy, caring, loving, determined, motivated, and full of life. But I so badly want to hold on to, for a little bit longer, that a clean, lived-in, played-in house can also be all of those things.
[…] being, first, and your profession second.” We are often the ones who place unrealistic demands upon ourselves for perfection. […]