My daughter started middle school in 2021, just after the global Covid-19 pandemic, as kids returned to full-time in-person schooling. She is smart, resilient, and mature and I anticipated she would attack middle school just like she took on her previous years’ education. But I had no clue what middle school had in store. I was unprepared for my daughter’s middle school challenges with anxiety and depression.
I had no way of knowing that 6th grade would be so toxic for my daughter and that I would end the year exploring alternative schooling options. Ultimately, we decided that she needed a break from in-person school. Online school became a lifesaver for my daughter and our family. Online school improved my tween’s mental health and turned out to be just what we needed to get her back on track.
Since this time, I have wanted to share my family’s experience with online school and the role it played in supporting my daughter’s, and my, mental health. It was a struggle but shifting to online school was ultimately a success and one of the hardest and best decisions I have ever made.
My girl is tough, nothing phases her- or so I thought. She struggled with growing apart from old friends at the end of elementary school and while she made new friends, she never quite felt understood or accepted by her peers.
My daughter is the kind of kid adults envy- smart, bold, responsible, attentive, caring, a rule follower, and independent- everything a parent wishes for. However, the same qualities that make her admirable to adults make her a target among her peers.
Standing out in kid circles can be isolating.
Despite appearing to be the image of success- she had friends, she had good grades, she was a competitive cheerleader, sang in chorus, and loved doing things with the family- she started to change a little, and then a little more.
I knew she struggled, but she was strong and assertive and wasn’t being bullied or picked on. I noticed that friendships were often hard with less mature personalities than hers. She had difficulties with teachers who treated her either like a peer or the teacher’s pet, which made her stand out more and led to resentment as she just wanted to be a kid. In sports and in class, she wanted everyone to work hard and stay focused, while her peers seemed to just want to have fun.
I thought these challenges were simply part of growing up, and that she could handle everything. But I was wrong, and she couldn’t. When I look back now, I understand some warning signs and why it was inevitable that we had to switch to online school to restore her mental health. However, deciding to switch to online school during her crisis was almost impossible.
- She began complaining more about school and general things. We talked a lot, and although I knew she wasn’t doing great, I reassured myself that she wasn’t using drugs or getting into trouble, so she would be fine and would get through this in time.
- She asked for a therapist, and I looked (maybe not hard enough), but finding a therapist during Covid was incredibly difficult due to the severe shortage of mental health care for children. Eventually, we found someone she could talk to, but things still didn’t seem to improve.
- She started spending more time alone in her room.
- She started neglecting her appearance.
Everything changed when I discovered she was cutting. I had no idea she was doing it; I knew she seemed sad but I thought we had time to work through this. I can’t believe I didn’t know how anxious and depressed my own child was—I consider myself a very attentive parent!
I can still hear her saying, “I just wanted to see if I could feel something, anything.”
We quickly found additional help and resources, but it was clear that things had to change. What we were doing wasn’t working, and she couldn’t continue on this path.
I realized what she already knew, that she couldn’t return to the same school the following year; she was miserable and dreaded going there every day. We needed to find a better environment where she could fit in, be mentally challenged, and have supportive teachers and counselors to help her work on her mental health.
I didn’t immediately come to the conclusion we stuck with – that online school would be the answer we needed to restore my tween’s mental health.
My search was exhaustive. Every private school I contacted had a waiting list, as many parents turned to private education for better options after Covid forced schools to go remote. Plus, the cost of private school was comparable to college tuition!
I was terrified about adding homeschooling to my to-do list. How could I create a curriculum and manage daily school tasks while maintaining my full-time job? I was also concerned about my teaching abilities as I can get easily frustrated and I didn’t want this to affect my relationship with my daughter. I kept looking for other solutions.
I found limited resources and even less advice. While there were plenty of materials for homeschooling, resources for online schooling were scarce. Moreover, everyone I spoke to about it thought I was crazy. I didn’t know if online school was the right choice for us to support mental health needs, but I had no other options.
The judgment from other parents and family was incredibly exhausting. It was like being a new parent again—everyone had an opinion on what to do and why I was doing it wrong, yet no one truly understood our situation. The most common concern was, “What about socialization?” I understood this point, but at that time, socialization was worsening my child’s depression, and I had to prioritize her mental health above all else.
I spent 18 months making the decision, helping her through it, and then defending my choice to family and friends like I did something wrong.
No one told me online school was good for my daughter, except her therapist, no one else understood or accepted our choice, despite my honesty about the situation and her needs. I questioned whether we were on the right path, but I knew I needed to try, even without support. My daughter’s well-being was my priority, not other people’s opinions.
I knew she needed the change, so we devised a plan to enroll her in online school while I worked from home where I would be available to provide structure and guidance. We looked into extracurricular activities to keep her engaged, ensuring she maintained her grades and completed her work. Online school was an experiment, and we agreed to reevaluate after the first year, knowing we could change our minds if needed.
We never saw online school as a permanent solution, but it was certainly worth a try and might be a longer-term answer if necessary.
We decided on Pearson Online Academy, and I highly recommend it. They were not insanely expensive, they provide a fully certified, grade-equivalent program with online classrooms, clubs, teacher support, flexibility, and all of the tools for success. They also supported me throughout the transfer process as I had never withdrawn my kid from school before. Other well-known, reputable online schools include: Laurel Springs School, Prisma, and Sora.
Online school was a huge adjustment. My son seemed a bit jealous because his sister got to stay home all day. My husband worried the program was isolating her even more. My family thought it was the worst idea. And now she had more reasons (and opportunities) to lock herself in her room all day.
I don’t want to paint too rosy a picture here. I was in agony for my daughter and scared to death about her mental health. I was also working full-time from home, juggling a new job, managing our home, making sure my daughter’s mental health was steady or improving, and overseeing school. It was challenging to balance, but I was determined to make it work for her sake.
All I knew was that I could not lose her, and she needed my support to figure this out. Her anxiety and depression, online schooling, and our new lifestyle were all hard, isolating, and terrifying at times.
I didn’t know what else to do. Not fighting for my daughter wasn’t ever an option. My daughter and I communicated a lot, and we fought a lot too. I tried to push her while still providing support and encouragement, even though my frustration (and exhaustion) often crept in.
We found ways to get out, even for a little bit, for a quick lunch date or trip to the grocery store. We built a desk in the living room so she could work outside her room, bought a skateboard so she could go to the park, found a voice and piano teacher for online lessons, took a pottery class together, went to the gym, and she joined dance and a home chorus. Every small effort was hard but also helped, and it was all a constant learning experience that we navigated together.
Online school offered my daughter a fresh start. Online classes and homework were better than her feeling alienated from her peers. Now she could move into high school and begin fresh.
Online school improved my daughter’s mental health by giving her the opportunity to advance and excel far beyond what was available to her in her regular in-person middle school classes. I often felt that because she was smart, no one in her school took the time to ensure she was challenged and supported.
Throughout my daughter’s year of online school, we navigated psychiatric appointments and therapy sessions. There were many conversations, some arguments, and a lot of frustrations along the way. I constantly struggled to balance not upsetting her with needing to be an effective parent.
Eventually, she was properly diagnosed with ADHD, and the right medications helped her manage her anxiety and depression. She learned that her feelings and the things that upset her were valid. She wasn’t broken, it wasn’t her fault—she was amazing. She learned to work through her challenges by asking for help and having support from others. She began to understand how her brain works differently and how she can manage her own anxiety.
She needed that year of online school to restore her mental health and allow for healing. Despite the difficulties, it was worth it. I regret not pulling her out of in-person school sooner when she was struggling in 6th grade, because every added day there caused an extra scar she needed to overcome.
My daughter ended 6th grade on the edge of a precipice. She could have gone down many bad paths, and I truly believe that if she had returned to the same environment for 7th grade, she might not have made it through. Her year of online school allowed her to find herself again.
Online school was a lifesaver for us, despite its challenges. To make online school work, you need to:
- Ensure your child is committed to the program and foster independence.
- Stay on top of things, like progress and attendance, even though it’s not traditional homeschooling.
- Find any extracurricular activities for socializing with other kids while encouraging physical activity.
- Keep talking and checking in for emotional and mental health support.
Support from friends and family was one aspect of online school that was not entirely ideal for us. We often felt like the odd ones out, defending the decision which did not help trying to decide if it was the right one to begin with.
While our cyber school did have remote clubs and a decently large community, no one made an effort to meet up or create local events for enrolled students. The clubs and activities offered by the school were nice, but it was challenging to get my daughter to commit to more remote activities. Given everything she was dealing with, it was likely more than she could handle at the time.
Overall, online school was excellent for my daughter, she learned a lot and excelled rapidly.
She did make some remote friends in her classes, though I wish she had made more. Kids today are often great at communicating online without ever meeting in person. For her, past experiences with friends led her to keep peers at arm’s length.
There were additional benefits to online school, such as the flexibility to travel and the ability for her to create her own schedule for classwork. She came on some of my work trips with me and we could take the occasional afternoon off together. Since the curriculum was well-defined, she could work at her own pace and even completed a semester’s worth of one class in just a month, freeing up time for other pursuits.
The online school teachers were incredibly supportive, regularly meeting with individual students to keep them on track while also maintaining open communication with parents. This was in stark contrast to her previous middle school, where the teachers rarely engaged with our family and her old counselor barely knew her name.
Last year, we moved to Vermont, partly for the educational opportunities available to our kids. I wanted them to finish high school in a place that is not overcrowded or hectic and where the school staff truly knows and cares about them. My daughter returned to in-person school and the experience has been amazing so far. I am so happy we made the right choice for the kid’s education and well-being.
Unfortunately, kids today face much tougher challenges than we did.
As parents, we often try to remember what it was like when we were their age and how we handled things. This is nearly useless, however, because their world is vastly different from ours. They contend with a constant stream of connection, judgment, and pressure from cell phones and social media. It’s almost impossible to turn on the TV or browse social media without encountering fear and unrealistic standards of perfection. I don’t think I could survive as a kid in today’s society so I am not sure why I ever compare my past with my kid’s today.
The lesson here is to keep your options open and find the form of education that will truly support your kids when they need it. Online school improved my tween’s mental health and was a great choice for my family (although we didn’t know it at the time).
Just because something wasn’t an option when you were young doesn’t mean it isn’t a good choice now. Online school seemed unconventional, but we embraced it, and it turned out to be my daughter’s mental health lifesaver.
Listen to your kids, not the opinions of others, and understand that they might need a different educational path, even if it’s temporary. The world is tough and it’s not getting any easier for them. Not all schools provide the mental health support kids need and therapists are hard to find, so keep working with your children to find solutions, because they can’t navigate this alone.
Embracing online school for your kid’s mental health as an alternative path just might lead to significant healing and pave the way for academic and personal success in their future.
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