These last four months of being a mom to two young boys has been a whirlwind. In my last post I was just starting this new venture and was in a fog of love, guilt, sadness, and happiness all at once.
I won’t lie. It was overwhelming most of the time those first weeks. I wasn’t sure I could be a mom of two.
Everyone needed me all of the time and at the same time. I felt like I was constantly being pulled in different directions without ever really getting to fully address anyone. The times that my husband was at work and I was by myself with the two boys were really hard. I mean, how do you take care of two children who both need you at the same time and are making that clear by both crying loudly?! The truthful answer… someone had to cry until I could get to them. And I hated that. (see the exhausted version of myself in the picture below?!)
When Aedan was born it took me about six weeks to acclimate to my new role and feel confident in being a mother. With Declan, while the confidence in my ability to take care of him was instantaneous, my sweet spot and confidence in being a mother to two boys took about 12 weeks.
Double the amount of time!
Declan, like all newborns, needed to nurse all of the time. Aedan (my sweet patient toddler) had to deal with hearing a lot of “wait please” while I nursed Declan. I felt so badly about how often that phrase left my lips. Declan was also a bit colicky for several weeks. I found myself frustrated with both boys and my inability to do anything more than survive each minute. Aedan was giving me hugs and kisses and loving me back, while Declan was just needing love. And so, I unexpectedly found that while I loved Declan, the chaos of the adjustment left little time to really enjoy him.
It wasn’t until around the 12 week mark that I moved from loving Declan to starting to fall in love with him. Once everyone started to adjust to our new life, time between feedings lengthened, smiles instead of colic occurred on a regular basis, and I let go of some of the guilt that came with dividing my attention, I was able to fully love and enjoy both boys.
Now, 20 weeks in, I couldn’t adore those boys any more than I already do. Of course, there are still some tough moments! But watching their interaction with one another and seeing the amount of love Aedan has for Declan is absolutely priceless. I’m finally comfortable and confident in taking care of the two of them.
Every difficult minute of those first 12 weeks was worth it.
I’m sharing this with you today because I think we have certain expectations of how things are supposed to go. I didn’t expect my adjustment period to take so long. But it did. I didn’t expect for there to be so much time in between loving Declan and falling in love with him. But there was. And that’s okay. It is what it is and I’m a better mother for it.
I fall more in love with those boys each day and knowing that they have each other makes my heart full.
In fact, this hasn’t deterred me from wanting more children (my husband is gasping for air right now) ;).