Don’t you want another one?
Sometime around MJ’s first birthday people starting asking us this. At that time we weren’t ready, we’d had a rough start with him, he wasn’t sleeping through the night and the idea of having another one (regardless of what we wanted) wasn’t even a thought. It started right away, but by the time he was two, it seemed everyone wanted to know, “Don’t you want another one?”
As if the mere act of wanting another baby could make it so.
Most recently when asked, I sat there like a fish out of water, gasping for air, because in fact I do want another one…badly. We’ve been “trying” to conceive since last October. I remember my doctor telling me it could take up to 6 months and I laughed in my head, believing we’d be pregnant by Christmas. And we were. New Years Day, a day of new beginnings, I’d taken 6 pregnancy test because I couldn’t believe that we’d conceived so quickly. Since we’d had a healthy pregnancy with MJ, we told our close family and friends right away and began planning and dreaming about the life we were making. Isn’t it amazing how quickly our minds jump into action? Thinking of baby names, planning home renovations to accommodate the baby and guessing if it’ll be a boy or a girl…
But it wasn’t meant to be.
I will always remember the moment I knew I was losing the pregnancy, and being totally helpless in doing anything about. It was both physically and emotionally one of the most painful experiences I’ve been through. One of those things that the only way to get through it, is to go through it. I remember the peace and calm that washed over me as I gave into it and trusted God and my body to know what to do.
However, now that I’m on the other side of it, I can’t help but feel a little pissed off. (Where did the peace and calm go?) I am living a much healthier life now then I was when we had MJ. Shouldn’t it be easier? While I know for many people who are trying to conceive, this is just a few months and within the range of “normal.” However, it’s still difficult for us since having our son MJ happened in the blink of an eye. My husband jokes that I willed him into our lives. That I had in fact “wanted” him into existence.
If only that were the case, I’d just do that again!
Every time someone asks when we’re having another one or don’t we want MJ to have a sibling, I start to feel my chest tighten and get that drowning feeling again. For the time being, I breath deeply in the smell of my sons head as he snuggles into me. I hold him tighter and longer with every hug, I laugh and sing with him and I know that if I was only meant to have one, at least I got a pretty awesome one.
I’m not sure when it became common practice to ask or comment on family size and give unsolicited advice, but in my experience it’s risky to ask, “Do you want another one?”
Many people do want another one but can’t or haven’t yet for a million reasons that they might not want to share with you and what about the people that don’t want another one! How are they supposed to answer? I’m not even sure there is a “right” way to ask about family planning.
Let’s agree to stop asking, and instead let’s listen and support our friends and family.
Enjoy the season of your life now. Whether it’s life with no kids, one or more, each season has it’s precious and glorious moments.
How do you move beyond painful times in your life?
[…] first found out I was pregnant again, I was thrilled. We’d just been through a loss of a pregnancy in January and I really had no idea what kind of journey lay ahead. But in the back of my mind […]
This is a very touching article. Thank you for your openness in writing it and for sharing your deepened sensitivity given the loss you have been through. How we talk with parents about this question is important and needs more awareness.
Thank you Nina for the comment! I appreciate the kind words and support.