There comes a time in every mothers life when we make the decision that this one is our last.
We are ready to watch our children learn to talk, walk, explore, and eventually go on to school and all the other wonderful things this world has to offer. This decision is easy for some, for some it is made for them with no choice of their own, and then for others the decision is made, although difficult. But what happens to those of us who make the decision to not have any more children and it is difficult to accept?
Almost a year ago this decision is one I was faced with and the choice seemed simple: tubal ligation (plainly stated I had my “tubes tied”). I was getting ready to go in for my third c-section and figured that since my ob/gyn was already in there she may as well shut the gates for good. I wasn’t planning on cashing in on a TV reality series about how many children I could have, so my husband and I knew that our third daughter was our last for several different reasons. The decision seemed so simple and easy, but then it was done.
I felt broken.
When I was alone in the hospital that evening and was gently snuggling my newest little miracle I felt an overwhemling sense of sadness and loss.
I never thought that I would still mourn the loss of my ability to ever carry another child. Maybe it is because my third baby is about to be 1 in a week and will “technically” no longer be a baby. All of her firsts, are sadly, my lasts. I will never feel that tiny miracle growing inside of me again. I will never experience that first cry again. I will not hold a seconds old baby in my arms and fall in love instantly all over again. The amazing, scary, nervous feeling of leaving the hospital with your new baby is one I wont be able to experience again.
I’m not ready for it to be over. I’m not ready to accept that I will never have another baby.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am blessed to even have children to begin with and honestly I wasn’t planning on having anymore. But there is a sinking feeling inside of me just knowing that it’s over. For the last six years of my life I have been devoted to either being pregnant or caring for a baby, both jobs I took pride in and loved every waking second of. Maybe that is why this is so hard. I am still trying to figure out how to come to terms with my feelings and I am not quite there yet. My youngest is almost 1, then 3, and finally 6 years old. There is so much wonder in these ages too. If I focus on the amazing beauty that they fill each day with I will naturally be led to a life of being content with what we have.
Until then I’m going to savor every moment, hug a little longer, tell them how much I love them, and make mental memories of these times too, because before I know it I will wishing for these toddler and school age days to return and the baby days will just be a small chapter in our lives.
We have 3 healthy beautiful children, ages 11, 9, and 6. We always thought we would have 4 kids, but it became evident after our 3rd, that it would be irrresponsible for my health to go forward with that plan. My husband and I both adore babies and longingly observe others who are in that phase of parenthood. I agree that there will always be a pang whenever I see or hear of someone being pregnant, but I am thankful for all I have. The days are long and the years are short when we have little ones. Truly have to cherish the moments. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this sensitive subject, Jenn.
I needed to read this so much. I had my fourth baby three months ago (first boy!) And my husband has said this is the last as hebis the only provider until the kids are in school and i can go back to work. While logically i understand and agree, i am emotionally having trouble accepting this. I am hoping it gets easier to accept.
Thank you for sharing your story. I had my children when I was 22 & 24. I absolutely loved being pregnant both times, but do not want to add to my own family as my children are getting older and I feel my family is complete. I began looking into surrogacy when a friend of mine had multiple miscarriages. I couldn’t fathom the idea that this incredible woman would not be able to be a mother! I can not imagine my life without my children, and wanted to give that gift to others. So, I became a surrogate!
Have you thought about being a surrogate? It has certainly fulfilled my pregnancy desires and I love the experience of feeling the baby grow!
Surrogacy would be a dream for me Jes! Thanks again for the awesome comment! I actually have 3, yes, 3 c-sections. I was basically told that my uterus was done and could not hold another pregnancy for safety reasons. It was thin like tissue paper! The tubal actually was a pretty good medical safeguard to anything troublesome happening with a 4th pregnancy.
This is a great post. 100% of me knows that our family is complete, but to say that out loud hurts a little. I adore my children and love their relationship with each other, and it makes me wonder what if….. My sister, who is older and has older kids say the feeling, the questioning, the wondering never goes away. Great! 🙂