Imagine, if you will, a topsy-turvy world where only biological men menstruate. It’s called MENstruation after all, isn’t it? Starting around age thirteen, they would have blood pouring out of their netherregions for a week every month while they experience cramps akin to a heart attack. Imagine female doctors telling cisgender men that the excruciating pain stemming from their mysterious reproductive organs is “not that bad” or “all in their head.”
What kind of world would it be if cis-men gave birth? Would we have more options for male birth control?
Imagine cisgender men going through pregnancy. The non-stop barfing alone would kill most of them. But really, can you even imagine some dude growing an entire human being–and a brand-spanking-new organ, called a placenta–and then having to birth both of those things? Afterwards, they might get stitches from their penis to their anus, sometimes with no pain medication. Because they are such good little boys and have a higher pain tolerance. Whatever that means. Sound familiar?
What if men could die in childbirth, especially if they are BIPOC? What if female politicians said things like we shouldn’t waste money on studying men’s health or male healthcare, even though men make up half the population and their bodies are both miraculous and misunderstood? What if female politicians believed that if a man was assaulted, their body could “shut down” an unwanted pregnancy on its own? (I’d vote to oust those politicians and strengthen sexual education, but I digress.) I’m willing to bet that if any of this was real, we’d have way more options for male birth control.
I say “more” male birth control because there is ONE form available now. This is called condoms, and though effective against both STDs and pregnancy, you have to actually put one on (correctly!) for it to work. But many penis-owners complain about condoms because they say sex doesn’t feel as good, wah wah. But I’m sure it feels better than an episiotomy. Ahem.
The men complaining about condoms are the same men who are trying to legislate women’s bodies, though they couldn’t pass a basic female anatomy quiz and are probably popping Viagra like it’s a multivitamin.
I feel pretty confident that if cis-men gave birth or menstruated, we would have over-the-counter male hormonal birth control at every pharmacy, grocery store, and gas station mini-mart right next to the Slurpees. Every workplace restroom would be stocked with brand-name menstruation supplies (no pads from 1965!) and male birth control would be next to the sugar at the coffee cart. Male birth control would probably even be pumped into our water supply.
Abortion would also have zero legislation; you could get one as easily as you could buy a cup of coffee at a Dunkin’ drive-through. Planned Parenthood would be a nationally funded organization, as it should be now, if women mattered at all. (Please donate to female reproductive rights organizations if you are able.)
So, what’s the deal with male birth control? Condoms are not just the number one form; they are the only way men can try to prevent pregnancy aside from getting a vasectomy. They aren’t foolproof, but they get the job done while also preventing most STDs. But do they have to stay the only way men can contribute to avoiding unwanted births?
In the last two decades, there has been work to develop hormonal birth control for men, but none has actually been released. Funny, Viagra came on the market in 1998 and is still going strong. Ba dum bum. It seems that funding, side effects, and “a lack of interest” (i.e., men don’t want it) have been barriers to getting additional forms of male birth control on the market.
But why hasn’t male birth control had the same funding or interest as Viagra? I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves. Cough *men don’t care about women’s health* cough cough.
Currently, there are many forms of hormonal female birth control, and no one seems to worry about those side effects, even though there are many, including bleeding between periods, bloating, intense mood swings, weight fluctuations, vaginal irritation, blood clots, loss of bone density, and increased risk of cancer in some cases. But it’s fine for women to deal with all this so men can have a better experience during sex, right? Wouldn’t want to inconvenience them, bless their precious little hearts.
Let’s revisit the idea of a vasectomy. It’s a fairly simple procedure that doesn’t even require a hospital stay and is roughly 99% effective in preventing pregnancy, but not STDs. It is much less invasive than a tubal ligation for biological women, with fewer side effects. But tell a strong, viral man that a surgical tool is going near his scrotum, and the tears start flowing like sap from the trees. Further proving the point that men are the weaker sex because they can’t even handle the thought of getting a few stitches down south, but don’t mind forcing women to birth an entire human and then raise said human. For the record, I got over thirty stitches after my first baby was born, and then had to get up to breastfeed two hours like clockwork while bleeding profusely. So, stop being such a big baby and get the damn vasectomy already.
So, when can we get some reliable hormonal birth control for men? Fellow witches, I mean women, listen up. We need to put our money where our reproductive organs are because we are so incredibly powerful. The government wouldn’t want to legislate our bodies if we weren’t. And don’t get me started on the value of our spending dollar and our labor, both the invisible and visible kind. I vote for more male birth control and fewer politicians all up in my uterus. I already had two people living in there, and that’s enough for me, thanks.
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