The other day, I happened upon a blog post with a title that was just beckoning me to click.
It was “S*it Moms Say.” I know. I fell prey to click bait. It happens. I REALLY wanted to know what moms say though, because, hey- I’m totally a mom. In fact, I’m a mom five times over. I mom so hard. Then I read the post, which I will not provide the link to, but trust me, I’m doing you a favor. Here’s why:
- It wasn’t funny.
- I couldn’t relate.
- I’ve never said that stuff.
- I could write a better post with the exact same title…
So here we are, only I replaced a four letter word with a fiver.
Stuff Moms Say, or at Least, Stuff I Say:
1. “Common sense.”
Why did they do that? Why did they not know what would happen? How do cause and effect not apply in this situation? If you lean back in the chair, it will tip over.
2. “Natural consequences.” (This is the mom-approved version of I told you so in our house.)
Oh, you’re cold? Remember when you refused to grab a hoodie? Yeah, funny how that happens. You can’t run and play and keep up with the other kids in your *flip flops*? Really? Really?
3. “Once I sit down, I will not get up to get you milk/bread/butter.”
After a long day of no life, and meal prep, and house de-yucking, and getting everyone #allofthethings, and cutting meat into pieces the size of peas, and making sure everyone has the appropriate favorite color plate, (don’t roll your eyes, I choose my battles), and… and… and… I offered “last call” to all the need-havers… Once my butt is parked in that chair to eat dinner, no, I will not get you XYZ. I JUST asked if anyone needed anything before I sat down. Like 41 seconds ago. No. Just no.
4. “Did you hear the words I am speaking to you?” (Or) “Do you understand what I am saying to you?”
{Sometimes I think I must be speaking in tongues. I mean, if all you went on was the level of acknowledgment and response I get from my children after issuing simple, clear and direct instruction, you would have to assume I was speaking Greek, Swahili or Mandarin.} But if I whisper something about ice cream to my husband while we are in the kitchen and they are in their rooms, the bionic ears get flipped on and they are down those stairs in a millisecond, “Did I hear someone say ice cream?”
5. “No potty talk at the table!”
Do I need to elaborate on this one? Everyone feels the need to bring up either farts or BMs at the table. Thank you, husband. We have four daughters and he says he purposefully encourages them to find humor in burping and farting so as to scare off boys when they hit the teen years. Nicely played, my love, but was there no other way to accomplish this??
6. “Go hang up your bathing suits and towels.”
I take textiles seriously. Especially any textile left in a damp, dank pile on the floor. I take that personally. We have a pool, so damp pool stuff is the bane of my existence all summer long. Moldy towels are gross, and I don’t have the funds to replace swimsuits for five kids multiple times each season. But even after summertime sails away, the bath and shower towels remain to be contended with. Update: my seven year old *threw away* one of her brand new swimsuits ‘by accident’ this summer. My husband and I actually went through the garbage in a half-hearted attempt to save $17.99. We did not find it. I kid you not.
7. “Brush your teeth/Get ready for bed/Put your eczema cream on.”
Just. Do. The. Things. Every house has the things. Do them. THEN, we will have more time for books, prayers, hugs, kisses, and inevitable drinks of water…
8. “This is the one and only time I am going to ask you nicely, in my calm voice…” and similarly, “Obey the first time.”
Seriously. I always start out calm, sweet, developmentally appropriate and smiling (well, it’s hit or miss on the smiling). How things turn out? Well, that’s up to you, sweet cherubim.
9. “Don’t hit/scratch/bite/kick/tease/mock/mimic/exclude your brother/sister!”
For the love of all things chocolate, someone give me a mute-and-separate button for the in-fighting, please. Sibling fighting may be the death of me, or them, or all of us.
10. “I love you, God bless you, goodnight.”
Say no more. I’ve spoken my last. ‘Till tomorrow.
