I let my husband read the pregnancy test.
I knew the results when I saw the corner of his mouth twitch.
The solar eclipse was a memorable day for me for more reasons than the celestial phenomenon. It was the day we found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. It had happened. I was pregnant. I was happy… until I wasn’t. Pregnancy after miscarriage was not what I expected.
I mean, I really was happy. My pregnancy was what I had wanted so badly after my miscarriage. Our pregnancy after miscarriage journey had taken a long time – fifteen months total. The five months after the miscarriage, I experienced a heightened roller coaster of emotions each month when I got my period. The start of my period meant there wasn’t a baby. The end of my period meant a new beginning or promise of hope.
As time ticked by, each month turned into the stress of trying to track my ovulation, when we should have sex, and asking ourselves, will we have another baby or not? Should we keep trying? Pregnancy after miscarriage felt more fragile, harder to try for and to believe in. I was so scared.
But suddenly, all those questions didn’t matter anymore because I was pregnant. New questions formed. New anxiety set in. Pregnancy after miscarriage blossomed into a vast array of questions. Will this pregnancy end in loss? Will this pregnancy result in a healthy baby? It was hard to feel too excited, not knowing the fate and remembering the loss before.
It felt odd that sadness kicked in after learning of my desperately wanted, anxiously awaited pregnancy after miscarriage. My usual seasonal depression intensified with the baby news. Gray skies, nausea, and fatigue took over. It was hard to tell the difference between the two. Which one was controlling my body? Was it pregnancy? Seasonal depression? My mind felt too heavy to carry. I felt like a zombie moving through the days. Hoping tomorrow would be better. Sometimes it was. Often, it wasn’t.
The early months of my pregnancy were the hardest. I scheduled the 10-week appointment and held my breath for what felt like forever. My previous miscarriage had happened at 9 weeks. My husband and I talked of hope and the future, but the doubt, fear, concern, worry, or whatever you want to call it still crept into my mind.
I tried an antidepressant, but it caused odd physical symptoms. Again, I didn’t know if my symptoms were due to pregnancy or the new medication. I stopped taking the antidepressant and felt better, which started to make my mind feel better. I saw hope within myself.
My first few doctor appointments came with anxiety and sometimes tears. The worry was so strong before those appointments. My tears were followed by relief after seeing the doctor or having another successful ultrasound.
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I thankfully got to a point where I had good days and even great days. The sun started shining more and my heaviness became lighter.
I approached the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage. I was 30 weeks pregnant, and I felt a distance from the miscarriage I didn’t think I’d ever feel. The loss was more of a simple thought; recognition of a moment in time. The void I felt last year had mostly healed. I still cried and talked through my thoughts with my therapist. The day didn’t go unrecognized.
I still think about the baby we lost from time to time, the baby that didn’t come. My healthy pregnancy was a distraction from that pain, though, and my fear lessened as each day went by, each doctor visit, each fetal kick until we welcomed our healthy baby boy in December 2024. Despite constant worry, pregnancy after miscarriage resulted in a healthy baby boy.
My heart filled with all the joy and adrenaline of holding our son for the first time. The pain that once consumed me finally felt lifted. Do you have a pregnancy after miscarriage story? Please feel free to share in the comments.
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