Every Mother’s Worst Nightmare or the Day I Got Judged

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window, rain, buildingIt was the third rainy day in a row and this mom was running out of ideas, so I went to my old go-to: running at the mall.

It’s free, there are coffee options, and the kids get out some energy — it’s a no-brainer, really.

From the moment that my daughter, Violet, discovered that she, too, was able to stand on two feet and place them one in front of the other to get from here to there, she wanted to do it as quickly as possible. And she was good at it. It didn’t take long for her to go from zigzag toddling to beeline jogging, her little elbows jutting back and forth at her sides.

On that particular gray day, Violet was already three years old, a seasoned mall runner. We headed to Dorset Street, parked in the covered garage near Bon-Ton, and after tossing her jacket and water bottle in the bottom of her baby sister’s stroller, Violet was off. I followed along about ten feet behind her, encouraging her to keep going every time she looked back at me over her shoulder.

We do have some ground rules for running at the mall — if Mama says stop, you stop, if you can’t see Mama, you stop — but if you’ve ever been to the U-Mall at 10 a.m. on a Thursday, you know rules are hardly necessary. The place is like Cape Cod in January — practically deserted.mall, woman, child

But that day, it happened to me. Every mother’s worst nightmare.

As I was strolling baby sister, a shiny display of sparkly phone cases caught my eye and I slowed down to browse, my own case in desperate need of replacement.

“Hold on, Violet.”

I bent down to get on eye level with the accessories and glanced over to see her in the same spot, spinning in circles. I turned back to the pink and purple gadgets.

“Is this case compatible with the 5c?” I asked the guy behind the booth, stealing another peek toward Violet… but she wasn’t there anymore. “Sorry,” I muttered and started pushing the stroller.

Violet was a good three stores away, looking over her shoulder at me, following the rules as far as she was concerned. I started walking faster.

And then I saw her.

A woman, early 40s, not much older than me. Maybe another mother, probably not. She walked past Violet, then did a double-take. She slowly approached my daughter, not looking around for mom, just seeing a little girl alone.

“I got her!” I yelled, but the woman was crouching down to talk to Violet.

“Are you lost?” I saw her lips asking. Violet shook her head no and moved away, going across the top of Piercing Pagoda, so that I had to cut across, too, to meet her on the other side. But the woman pressed on and, to my horror, her arms went out.

The next second, she was holding my girl in her arms. My insides burned.woman, toddler, mall

“I got her!” I yelled louder, even though I was just a few feet away now. Violet whipped her head to me, her eyes scared and shiny.

Every mother’s worst nightmare became my reality: I got judged. I got judged hard.

“That’s so dangerous,” the woman lectured.

“I got her,” I repeated.

“No, I got her,” she challenged, putting my daughter down, who was quickly at my side, grasping my hand. “That’s so dangerous to let her go loose like that.”

“I had my eyes on her, thank you,” I said, rage blurring my vision, as I quickly pulled my girls toward the parking garage. I spent the rest of the day silently seething, thinking of all the things I wish I had been able to say to her.

OK, so the woman probably meant well. She saw a little girl walking alone in the mall and felt she needed to do something. So she scooped up the child and scolded the mother. Except, the child wasn’t crying. The child wasn’t wandering around lost, looking for her mother. In fact, the child knew exactly where her mother was and I knew where she was. In fact, the woman herself was the only scary thing that did happen, for both my daughter and myself.

I beat myself up about this one for a while, moving from anger to guilt to self-doubt. In the end, though, it’s like anything else when it comes to parenting: People will always be judging you.

So, yes, I will continue to let my daughter run “off-leash” at the mall on quiet Thursday mornings, though I will save my browsing for solo shopping trips. And we did add one rule to our list — if a stranger tries to pick you up, you run right back to Mama.
girl, farm, silo
Running at Bread & Butter Farm

14 COMMENTS

  1. I just can’t believe she PICKED UP your child! That definitely makes her the scary person! It’s not like there was an active shooter or the mall was on fire! What ever happened to “staying where you are when you’re lost”? If she thought your child was lost, she should have kneeled next to your daughter kept her company while they waited for you to find her.

  2. I had something similar happen to me a few weeks ago and like you I beat myself up about it too. I was so angry that I was not able to defend myself because I was so taken aback by the entire situation and completely caught off guard. Like, where the heck did this guy come from and why did he ever think that he needed to intervene? I then went home and literally cried all morning because I started to doubt myself as a mother. I was actually embarassed by it all as well. I was so upset by his judgements but more so because I knew that my kids were safe and unafraid and there was no need for this. That woman at the mall may have meant well but sometimes people need to examine the situation at hand and then let it go. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Its comforting to know that I am not the first parent to be judged and I won’t be the last either.

  3. I could feel the emotions in my body while reading this story. It never ceases to amaze me that we live in a society where such judgement is passed on a regular basis, Its clear the woman really did not care about looking out for a child, or she would have said oops I see your Mom’s right behind you or she could have at least acknowledged her mistake, but instead she felt the need to cause stress and negative feelings for you and your daughter. I’m sorry this happened to you, thanks for sharing.

  4. I had that happen at Creative Habitat – the cashier reprimanded me because my son was standing up in the cart. I was right there with him and holding on to the cart! That woman may have thought she was helping, but how scary for you and your daughter!

  5. Wow, that woman (not the author) made so many mistakes and crossed boundaries. Not “helping” at all. Unfortunate that you had to make that new mall-walking rule!

  6. I would be furious if that happened, I always got judgment about my lack of gender roles so every now and then Dez will have a tutu on or painted fingernails. I’m very standoffs about my choices. Kudos for keeping a level head, I would have flipped.

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