How in the world is it 2025, and people over 40 with boobs are still expected to contort themselves into ridiculous angles and uncomfortable positions once a year for thorough breast tissue imaging? Surely figuring this out would be a better use of AI than ripping off artists? Isn’t it time for an improved mammogram machine?
Instead, I have to wear a hospital robe draped off one shoulder, bend my neck 90 degrees to the side, hug a machine, and have a technician help squeeze one boob in between two plates while I try not to flinch and hold my chin at just the right height, one cheek is pressed against the side of the machine, all while the X-rays are taken. There has to be a better way to screen us for breast cancer.
Well, since AI is unethical and terrible for the environment, here are some ideas for improved mammogram machines from me. I have no engineering, industrial design, or medical training, but I am a crafter. I’m confident I can come up with an improved mammogram machine compared to what we currently are forced to endure.
At the very least, my improved mammogram machine will make you a cocktail and give you a nice back massage when you’re done. It would play the soothing music of your choice during your exam and give you a prize at the end, like you got from the dentist as a kid.
1. Jello mold
This would be sticky, but what about just sticking our jugs in something like Jello? Something that would hold the girls in place without them being squeezed, then the X-ray could still happen. Jello is clear if you don’t use the dye, right? Surely that would work. Warm jello, which doesn’t sound delicious to eat, would be very comforting. It would at least be better than the cold gel they use when you get an ultrasound.
2. Airport scanner
How about we just hop on one of the conveyor belt luggage scanners at the airport? As a parent of a young child, this sounds a little restful. Or we could go in the standing one where you raise your arms? Can’t they snap a mammogram shot while I’m in there? It could be part of your vacation or business trip routine- get the results on your way back! Super efficient, no robes open in the front needed.
3. Matrix Incubator Thing
I would like to escape reality for a little bit, and this seems like the way to do it. Hook me up to a machine and let me live in a fantasy land where our rights aren’t in danger every day! An hour would be bliss. Surely these fancy incubators could scan the boobs at the same time. I’m not keen to fight machines like Neo, but I would happily jump in one and relax for a bit. It could be like one of those sensory deprivation tanks, but with a bonus medical readout.
4. Car Mechanic-style Lift
At the mechanic, they can lift a heavy vehicle high enough in the air for some ergonomic repair work. Surely they could put an adult human’s body on a smaller one to avoid the current lemon squeeze situation? This one would allow you to stay lying on your stomach, boobs dangling, and something soft could rise up and gently cup and scan the girls. No standing at awkward angles. They could crank the lift up far enough that you were too high above the techs to have to make awkward small talk. This improved mammogram machine is a win-win!
5. Hi-tech Bras
Can’t someone just invent a fancy bra that can support and scan at the same time? Send a file directly to your doctor? Since DOGE has all of our Social Security numbers and everything else about us, what is the harm of sending information about our boobs? Convenient, quick, it would be like one of those breast pumps you can wear while driving. Easy peasy, you can get screened while driving to the office or to drop off your kids at school.
Here’s the thing: people with breasts have this scan every year or every other year from roughly age 40 on (depending on your doctor’s recommendations). Can’t we make an improved mammogram machine?
The American Cancer Society recommends the following for people of average risk:
Note: someone is considered average risk if they:
- Have no personal history of breast cancer
- Have no strong family history or known genetic mutation (e.g., BRCA)
- Did not have chest radiation before age 30
Screening Recommendations:
- Ages 40–44: May start yearly mammograms (optional).
- Ages 45–54: Should get annual mammograms.
- Age 55+ : Can switch to every 2 years or continue yearly.
- Continue screening as long as overall health is good and life expectancy is 10+ years.
Pin this post and be sure to follow Vermont Moms on Pinterest!
Vermont Moms Insiders get exclusive content that you do not want to miss, so sign up today!
