As part of a New Year’s resolution, my daughter and I completed the 13 Wish ritual. The short version is: you write 13 wishes on individual sheets of paper and fold them into pieces. For 12 nights, starting on the winter solstice, you burn a single paper each night, without reading it, until January 1st. The final wish remains unburned, and that’s the wish you manifest for the year.
My final wish was building confidence in myself.
It was a relatively vague wish, which means I could have flexibility in my approach. When I opened my final wish, I’ll admit, I wasn’t that excited about it. Building confidence in myself seemed hard, and I was ironically feeling unconfident about how to do it. But I had written it for a reason- I had been feeling down about myself and felt the need for a boost. I also recognized that the boost needed to come from within myself- no one else was going to fill the void. I feel like my confidence has faltered during motherhood because I’m frequently thinking “Am I doing this right?” And I put my kids first in so many circumstances, as I feel I should, that I started to lose a bit of myself. So much energy goes into raising kids, it’s easy not to have energy for much else.
Come with me on my journey of building confidence in myself. The following list is how I’m making space for my interests, goals, and sense of self because I matter too. I want my kids to see that while I love them and our family, I also love myself.
Physical Fitness
I set a realistic goal for myself to visit the gym once a week. I made this decision based on our family’s needs, schedule, and my interest in the gym itself. In the past, I’ve made the goal of going to the gym three times a week, and without fail, something comes up. Someone’s sick, there are appointments, or general fatigue sets in. I decided to make a realistic goal. One consistent step I could take towards my physical wellness. One day per week might not seem like a lot, but compared with zero days per week, it’s a big change. The point is to do something good for myself, not to berate myself for not being able to meet a goal.
Find Cheerleaders
I found my biggest cheerleader- my husband. He encourages me all the time, from the simplest “You got this” to the bigger “You can do this.” He’s there yelling the loudest, so I don’t notice the “I can’t” in my head. He supports my goals not just with cheerleading, but also by helping me make them a reality.
Write Down Daily Wins
I haven’t started this yet, but I do find the concept helpful. I often think of the things I haven’t done or can’t do rather than the things I’ve accomplished. Similar to a gratitude list, a wins list, or “ta-da” list shows 2-3 things you did well for the day. Small wins/big wins. I think it’s a great way to show evidence that I can do hard things repeatedly. I plan to add this to my daily gratitude routine.
Give Space for Everyday Joys
As a part of building confidence in myself, I’ve been trying to reconnect with myself. I’m working with a Wellness Coach and I made the goal of completing 10-20 minutes a day of my everyday joys – writing, art, movement, time outside, rest, and or reading. I often feel my “to-do list” takes over my days. I’m definitely a “work before play” type of person. Adding “everyday joys” to my to-do list makes them happen and reminds me I’m important too.
Check Basic Needs
Motherhood can be distracting and pull you in multiple directions at once. I’ve come to recognize that my basics matter – sleep, food, and exercise. I try to do a quick mental check-in to ask myself, “What do I need today?” When my basic needs are met, I can do all the other things on this list. I have a clearer and more positive mind.
Feel Uncomfortable
Confidence doesn’t mean fearless. Building confidence in myself also doesn’t mean being perfect. When I think about confident people, those people are taking action, they are “doing.” I’m trying to remind myself to pick something that makes me feel awkward or uncomfortable. To take action. Do it. Maybe fail. Do the things before I feel ready because confidence doesn’t happen without doing.
Change Self Talk
I find it so easy to get into negative self-talk. And as a parent, it’s easier to notice the negative self-talk when they come from the little voice next to you. My kids have started repeating my negative statements. So, I’m starting with my kids with daily affirmations, like, “I’m brave.” “I’m strong.” “I’ll get through this.” Sometimes it’s easier to have positive talk with others, which might end up helping you reverse your own negative talk. My new common phrases are “I’m learning” and “I messed up, but I can improve.” Building confidence in myself means changing how I talk to myself, even a little.
Become Good at Something
I often consider myself “average.” I wasn’t a shiny athlete or an exceptional student. I can do things, but I’m not sure what skill I can confidently say “I’m good at that.” And that’s something I’d like to change. I want to pick a new skill and do it. I’d like to practice and track my progress. And dare say become good at it. I just need to find the skill or activity I want to try. For some reason, knot tying feels like a unique activity to try. What would you do?
Body Language
Another self-check in. I’ve noticed our posture, body language, and eye contact manifest self-confidence. So fake it till you make it- sit up straight, stand tall, and make eye contact. I think body language can say a lot both to yourself and to others. For example, slouching or hunching might mean a person is uncomfortable, or arms crossed might come across as guarded. I feel like confident body language shows I’m open to more opportunities, which leads to more experience and, in turn, more confidence.
Limit Social Media
I find it so easy to be sucked into the vortex of social media, which sets me up to compare myself to others and wastes my time. I’ve set daily limits on my phone to help support me with this. The limits have been a nice reminder to put my phone down and stop the spiraling.
Progress, not perfection, right? I’m learning that confidence is a state of being. Confidence is a journey. It’s not perfection. It’s about me taking action within my life in ways that I want. What advice do you have for building confidence outside of motherhood?
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